diamonds.

"True friends are like diamonds

precious but rare, false friends are

like Autumn leaves that fall everywhere."

My Mother learned that poem as a kid.

When I was younger she use to recite it to

me. I can't remember the entire piece but

those lines always stuck with me.

Friends. What's in a friend? Who do you

consider a friend? What makes them a friend? I sat here questioning. It

is six am and I should be in bed but instead I am up fiddling around from

an insomnia attack. It got me thinking who my real friends are and what

really is a real friend to begin with?

I know that trust and love at the foundations to any relationship. They are

the ground we build our houses on. I also know that it takes two to tango so

equality in a friendship is something I find crucial. Then there is communication,

another important friendship factor which brings me to think about how many

friends I am no longer in contact with... how some people come and go in our lives

and touch us but leave us.... how friendships serve time and purpose but some do

not last forever - in flesh at least. I feel the genuine ones do last forever in heart.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven."

For every friend, no matter what the outcome, there is a reason. Let's

face it: people need people. It is in our human nature to desire the

connection of other humans. We need love, support, uplifting, praise,

positive influence... TOUCH. I don't even have to ask the classroom to

raise their hands in relation to that last one. They are already raised.

Human touch is a powerful thing. We all need it yet we don't all feel

comfortable with it, primarily due to bad past experiences and feelings

of unworthiness. Yet we long for it. We know we need it but even the

most gentle, most innocence of touch can make some curl up or claw

like a crab (isolation hide mode or defensive aggressive mode). Many

studies stress the importance of touch from parent to child during

development. I am talking clean affection, nothing abusive. Abuse can

and will throw everything off. If you are a survivor of abuse then you

know exactly what I am talking about. It's common for those who have

been abused to grow up feeling like "damaged goods" ... I have felt

that way plenty. We all have our pasts. We all have our futures.

Another thing I question is if it's easier to make friends as a child or

as an adult. I've found it easier to make friends as an adult because I've

come out of my shell overtime. I suffered severe social anxiety as a

child and was strongly attached and dependent to my Mother. The

umbilical cord did not get cut until my adulthood years. It still isn't

fully cut either. My Mom has always been my main source of friendship.

I don't feel I have many true friends, many diamonds, outside of Mom.

This needs to change. It's hard though, when going through what I am

going through, to let people in. I'd rather not subject them to the

reality of the issues I deal with. I don't find it fair. It also takes a ton

of energy to establish new connections, energy I currently don't have. I

am one to enjoy my space but I do get lonely even when I socialize.

I miss one on one deep rooted relationships. I miss going out and

having fun, being carefree and laughing till my belly bruises! Don't get

me wrong, I do have friends but to carry the energy flow really depends

on how much we are willing to put out to keep that energy flowing.

Right now I am in solitude space, spending more energy on me and less

energy on others. I am directing my focus to forming a firm relationship

with God, an intimate - untouchable - indescribable - connection with

my Heavenly Father. God is truly the only one I feel He will never

(never ever ever!) desert me. He is there to stay. Kaput! I am being

spiritually led and renewed in many mighty ways and He is touching me,

in spiritual/emotional/psychological form but the abstinence of human

touch is like a burning bonfire inside of me. I am cold, I want to get warm.

I want a hug or even just a handshake. I want someone to tickle my

back or play with my hair how I did for my sister when we were growing

up. I want someone to use their fingers to draw shapes on my skin

while I close my eyes and guess. I want to laugh at the fact that even if

I know what it is I pretend I don't just to get them to do it again because

it feels so good (smirk). I want to be cuddled and cradled in nonsexual

ways. My body longs, desires, needs after drought, dry deprivation,

brittle bones, thirsty flesh. I long. I desire. I need.

Ezekiel 37:4-6 (One of my favorite passages in the Bible)

⁴ Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! ⁵ This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. ⁶ I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD."

It's hard to say that out loud. Lately I am learning to accept touch and feel like I deserve it. My therapist has offered to rub my head/temples the last few sessions that I have had pounding headaches. I told her that applying pressure to specific points helps relieve the pain, almost instantly at times. She has offered. I have accepted. Last time she offered, I jumped to say "Yes, thank you!" rather then to sit and toy with the idea as if I were winding it up like jack in the box and waiting to see if it pops or not. However, last time there was no winding needed. I popped.

I would like to close this post with a few affirmations you and I

can give ourselves as well as an assignment question. Take your

pick or collect them all ; )

- I am deserving & worthy

- I will open myself to receiving loving touch

- I am loved

- I am a child of God, He will never forsake me

- For every turning of season there is a reason

Heart to Heart:

Today's Question & Assignment...

What can you do to show your special friends that

you care? Go out of your way today to put some

extra effort into expressing your love & gratitude to

those who you feel are the DIAMONDS in your life.