the gut of God.

gut feelings. we've all had them. we don't always listen to them though...they are quite hard to deny! sometimes the feeling is so strong you'd swear it was God speaking intuition straight to the heart, straight to the gut.

God entered my gut today. the message was so forceful i had to swing my car around and go do what He was calling me to do. i knew i had to listen to this one and take action. i honestly felt i would live the next few days in regret if i didn't. it was really that intense.

so here is the deal: i'm driving back home from the farmer's market. it's a sunshine filled day. i scored some great stuff at the market and am on my way to finish an errand before i get home. i approach a stop light and see a homeless man begging. i have never once seen someone begging at this corner, let alone this neighborhood so he came as a suprise to my eyes. he was frail, dark skinned and probably aged to about sixty. he was holding a sign that read something like "in need of help, God bless"... he stood there, stark with a blank look of sorrow on his shallow face. it sadden me so bad that i felt unworthy of finishing the last few bites of my breakfast while pulled next to him at the light. i felt selfish in a sense, how much i have compared to how little he has created feelings of undeserving.... so now i'm feeling surprised, sadden and selfish. i knew i had to do something and God was about to show me what.

i drove a few blocks debating if i should turn around. i had cash but don't like to give cash to homeless people out on the street because i don't know exactly how it will be used and do not want to support alochol or drug addiction if that's the case. so cash = out. i like to give food and hope though. i remembered i had some fresh medjool dates in my glovebox from yesterday. i also had a bottle of high quality oxygen water. i put two and two together and God was like "what are you waiting for? turn around NOW!" hey when God calls you - you best listen! there is no backing down with the Lord. with that being said, i swing batta batta bing my car around to go find this man.

i pull up next to him in the right hand lane and roll my window down to get his attention. i holler a hello a few times before he realized someone actually stopped to help him out. i hand him the dates, making sure he knows there are seeds inside, and the water. he says thank you, takes it and walks to put it in his bag. the light turns green and as i drive off i yell to him "GOD LOVES YOU!!!" i wasn't sure if he heard but i'd like to believe he did. maybe a sweet sparkle in his eyes tells me so. my heart twinkled as i went on my way, on my day. i generally would not just up and out share something like this as i like to keep good deeds in God's eyes but i felt this would be an encouraging entry to write about. no boasting or bragging, instead a simple suggestion to do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. we all need a little help, some more than others. a small act of kindness can make a big difference in one's world so reach out and help someone in need. the internal reward is just as satisfying as the reward of help being given.

i only wish i had some Bible handouts to give as well. i will have to look into getting some as they will really come in handy during moments like today. i feel as Christians it's part of our devotion to the Lord to share His Good News and bring as many people to Him as possible while living in the flesh. it's part of our purpose and mission.

Matthew 7:12

"Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.

Proverbs 17:17

"A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."

1 Corinthians 9:23

"I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings."

heart to heart: how and who will you help today???

rule of thumb.

rule of thumb. this Bible verse is by far one of the best rule of thumbs that everyone should live by:

Proverbs 3:5 (New International Version)

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

lean not on your own understanding. this is exactly what i needed to hear (again) today. i hold this verse very close to my heart and take it out whenever i know i need it. the truth of the matter is that when you are living for God and with God you are not in control, He is. what you see, what you get, how life plays out in front of you is all up to Him not you. if we were in control then our lives would be complete. well they aren't and so we must trust in God to guide us and you know what? no matter how unexpected of an outcome we get that is not in our first favor - God will ALWAYS work something out for us that was meant to be whether we get it or not. it's God's WAY or the highway folks!

today: to make a long story short. i have had plans with my nephew. i have been trying to get together with my sister and the kids all week with no return phone calls. it's not me. it's not our new relationship. it's them and how they operate. they do not return calls well and are terribly hard to get a hold of. i am not the only one who has said this. anyhow, this was one of my only free saturdays since i generally am getting iv treatment on saturday. i dedicated it to my nephew. i had everything all planned and set and was really excited to go pick him up. i show up and no one is home. my brother in law left with him and didn't even bother to call me to tell me he was cancelling. i kept calling and calling with no answer - just like all throughout last week when i try to reach either one of them. finally i take a hint, devestated, and take off.

so now what? i've got a sore thumb like i've been hit with a hammer, disappointed into a hot and bothered mess of confusion. high ho cherry oh, it's not safe to go home. i fear i will go home in depression and start addicting to numb myself so instead of self abuse i decide to do some self appreciation. i book a 1 1/2 hour session at my favorite foot spa and in the meantime head over to old navy to see if they have any sales. big corp, i know i know i know, bad idea but they are one of the only stores i can find pants that fit at this outlandishly low body weight. i literally have one pair of pants that fit and they are like second skin now. i score a new pair of pants + two $5 tees.

as i leave the store i finally get a call from my nephew. i guess his father had him call for him. thanks? sorry but adults are not 8 year olds and should not act like them either. own up and call next time before i drive over there please with my high horse hopes up to see my nephew. i mean seriously, he knew this prior to leaving with him. he knew i was coming. how hard would it of been to call? my nephew tried to put him on the phone but he said no because he was driving and was obviously unwilling to pull over for 1 minute of his day to explain to me what happened and apologize but no, no remorse or nothing. we hang up and i drive over to the foot spa. i have a lovely session with my lady amy. i leave refreshed.

to sum things up: God did not want me and my nephew to be together today. maybe something bad might of happened? who knows, only God. however, He still provided for me. i did not go home and addict. i had some special time with myself and maybe that is what i needed most. i feel so much better now that i stopped trying to understand on my own terms and just accepted that my day was planned out in God's terms, His plans for me. this also shows me what areas i need to set boundaries with my sister and husband. kids are kids but there is no excuse for adults acting like kids and creating distress and unfairness. things have been very wishy wash the last week and i was feeling bits of depression over it in reaction. no thank you. that is not fair for me nor is it enjoyable. i put out more energy last week in trying to coordinate things than i have in a long time and got nothing really in return response. so now i will keep this in mind. i believe in equal energy exchange and that which is not equal doesn't deserve my time. that goes for everyone though. i like equality not wishy washy or one sided. boundaries being browsed now & set to prevent future upset & problems.

but... honey how on earth can i complain over some deals and spa time? special surprises from God. thank You Lord for providing for me alternative blessings, the best ones being a sound mind with compassion and clarity and secure structure throughout my day.

in closing my friends, things will not always go in our favor. this is when you must remember Proverbs 3:5.

heart to heart:

what are some things God has changed for you according to His plans?

telling time.

there are 24 hours in a day.

there are 60 minutes in an hour.

do the math, 24 x 60 = 1, 440 minutes.

1, 440 minutes in a complete 24 hour day.

now stop and think to yourself how many of your daily minutes do you spare for God?

i would hope you find your answer acceptable. however, i also hope you feel you need to give Him more as there is always room to give more time to God yet people often fail to recognize this. people tend to prioritize "other things" over God and then make excused to validate their "other choices" when our first and foremost priority should be putting God first and everyone and everything second.

awhile back i came across this amazing website with like six pages of detailed tips on how to make more time for God. i am not going to link it yet, as much as i'd like to, only because i have been planning to read it on cam for a you tube series and want it to be a surprise gift for all my beloved viewers. right now i am encouraging myself to get to this project sometime soon because i know the message needs to be heard and will benefit many viewers - both in faith and those questioning or wanting faith and walk with God.

i've got my thinking cap on about my own time devotion to God and have decided to come up with some inner God goals in relation to the areas i would like to give more time to God!

top five:

- make tuesday evening church services a weekly/onging thing. if my mom can't drive me don't use it as an excuse not to go. get up and drive myself there. God will get me there safe.

- spend more time reading my Bible in silence and sacred space ... holding God's Word in my hands and connecting better than i can through computer audio and readings.

- i am heavy into prayer right now but i need to pray more on urges to addict as they arise. i start my day with power prayer but need to spend more time at night into power prayer too.

- get back into my thursday night same-age-Christian fellowship group. i really love this group. it's a great way to connect with other like minded Christians. i love the people in my assigned group, they are awesome. i love our Bible studies and discussions, circle power prayers, check ins, praise and worship before groups divide and the overall energy and diversity of the entire fellowship. i think atleast 80 people show up weekly, probably even more. it's awesome. i truly need more of this kind of interaction. i feel like less of an outsider when i am around other Christians who are Christ insiders - there is a lot less loneliness too.

- more ministry time which i leave in God's hands to guide me to each and every opportunity, big or small, to help me share The Good News! i recently heard on the Christian radio: God gives us substance to work with and we must work with that before asking for more... so basically we must complete what God is giving us as He gives it to us and then we should ask for more. we then have balance not overload!

in closing, a friend just wrote to me in relation to making time for God and said "i have not had time"... i wrote her reminding her that it's not about not having time (especially since we have all the time in the world) - it's about not making time. big difference. there can never be no time for God, i don't buy that line one bit! God doesn't either. so my special message to you my friends is that whatever that resistance is - whatever is pulling your from creating and prioritizing more time with God - that resistance is not of or from God, it's from the devil and his way of gripping you to keep you closer to him and the world and selfish desires that get prioritized over God. how sad and disrespectful is that? we are all doing it one way or another so let's consider changing this and help encourage one another to get with God more often! He's our 24 hour hotline, call Him up anytime!!! make daily dates with Jesus!!! get up, go out and let Him work in you, through you and with you!!! there are so many ways to connect with God, just do it!

O God, You are my God:
Early will I seek You... (Ps 63:1)

When I remember You on my bed,
I meditate on You in the night
watches. (Ps 63:6)

heart to heart: what are your God goals?

His wounds = our healing.

1 Peter 2:24 (NIV)

²⁴He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

Let's get serious and straight to the point. I was told my kidneys are failing. Failing? I will change this to HEALING! My recent bloodwork detected more damage, things have gotten worse and that is expected when a person is still dealing with what caused the damage in the first place... for me that is eating disorders. I start testing on Monday/Tuesday next week, from there we will figure out what to do next according to test results. Now, some people would be really scared. I would usually be nervous but for the first time in my life I do not fear this because I have so much faith in God at this point of my life that I have already come believing my receiving of a full healing. God will get me through this and I accept this situation not as a burden but as a GIFT to strengthen and share my faith and another testimony of God's work. I appreciate all prayers to keep this faithful energy flowing in abundance! I have a deep rooted feeling in my heart, a seed God planted for me, that is telling me everything is going to be fine... that I have gone through enough at this point and God is NOT going to let me or my organs go. It's not my time. I have too much purpose to serve. I feel I must consider this a warming to keep walking with and serving my Lord with healing as my reward. Sickness is NOT of God. Eating disorders are not either. They are of Satan and because of this I rebuke him in the name of Jesus - I demand you to FLEE from my body! You are not welcome! GET OUT! I am blessed by the precious BLOOD OF JESUS that will wash over me and in me, creating in me internal cleansing and purification. I thank You in advance dear Lord for my complete healing. In Jesus name I pray, AMEN!!!

Mark 10:52 (NIV)

⁵²"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

Heart to Heart: Think of all the miracles, big and small, Jesus has worked in your life as well. Give Him GLORY!

train a child up.

Proverbs 22:6

"Train a child up in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

This passage always moves my Mom and I. I feel it's so true. I sat here today thinking about how much I feel my past and how I was raised Christian has effected me throughout my life. I truly feel that being raised Christian and being a strong believer as a child (I was praying and laying hands on kids at school who were sick as early as kindergarten!) really BUILT up my spiritual backbone. No matter how many years I went astray I will had that Spiritual Spine keeping me standing. Surely I have at points in my life questioned God's existence, who hasn't? Questioning is part of the process, it's how we find our answers and for me those answers can only be found through God and His Word. I feel very connected to both again and realized how when I am walking with God I have a lot more gratitude, positive energy and outlook, dignity and respect for myself, others and God's Creation! It is a very humble feeling and encourages me to want to be the best servant I can be for my Lord. I want to be able to endure ANY amount of pain for God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. Some may not understand what I mean by this but it is the passion of Christ I desire, a passion so hot it's on fire! I often visualize myself face to ground, weeping tears of gratitude, joy and repentance at Christ's feet... a serious matter... a serious moment. I want to feel confident walking barefoot on open glass (approach any and every obstacle with blind faith that God will guide me through) for God and if I shall bleed know that the blood shows ENDURANCE just as Christ endured so much for us, more than we could EVER endure for Him. We must return it. We must give Him glory and praise, follow His Holy ways. In my opinion the root of CHRISTian religion is CHRIST LIKE LOVE. It really all boils down to receiving and giving God's love.

You know that saying WWJD? What Would Jesus Do? It's no joke, no laughing matter. I really feel we can apply it to situations in our lives to act more Christ like - to follow His ways and God's rules. I can't speak for all Christians but I've noticed pure and genuine gestures of love from those who are Christian and actively walking with God. There is a vibe of radiant energy and you can tell, you just KNOW, that person is Spirit filled and THRILLED. Faith and the peace of Jesus keep people content to an extent that it shows. I find it SO motivating to see people sharing their testimonies about how God is working for them, in them and through them! We are all know different - no better or worse than one another - so if He can do it for one then He can certainly do it for another! Amen to that!!! God is great!

In closing I want to add that I just finished the movie "The Moment After" about The Rapture. I REALLY enjoyed it. I loved the messages in it and when I heard "I have a message for you, Jesus loves you" I started to cry. It touched me so deep. At the end of the video they play a song I had not heard before and absolutely LOVE it! It's called "People Get Ready" by Crystal Lewis. Here is a video with a picture of our blessed Prince of Peace & lyrics to the song! May it move you too...

1 Corinthians 15:51-54

⁵¹Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— ⁵²in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."

anew.

Today I choose to forgive.

I invite you all to do the same.

God led me to this one this morning:

Proverbs 17:9

"He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or harps on a matter separates even close friends."

There is no productive purpose to harbor a lack of forgiveness in one's heart. It will only feed the feelings that are weighing you down.

Let us be delivered from our burdens today. Be wise with the energy you encounter and allow in.

Affirmation Grab Bag! Take Your Pick:

☼ Today I forgive ☼

☼ I am spiritually cleansed ☼

☼ Today I let go of unwanted energy ☼

☼ I am loved by many ☼

☼ Today I will give thanks to God for lifting burdens on my back ☼

☼ I am radiant & anew! ☼

world on fire.

ever feel like your world is on fire? tonight i am feeling burnt out. a series of messages and incidents today have really caused me to stop and think about how unpredictable and unbelievable emotions, reactions and people can be. then comes the trust factor, who can i really trust? then comes the respect factor, who genuinely respects my emotional needs and boundaries? then comes the acceptance factor, who truly accepts me for who i am?

God does, but man? i am not out to please the world. i am out to please God though. frankly it is no one business how we live our lives nor is it anyone's place or right to tell us how to live. it's beyond our control yet many still push and with me what this does is push me away. i understand that when you gather-the-guts to put yourself out there, especially when done public, then you are basically opening a can of worms for mixed reactions. i can only take so much though. i am not a human punching bag and beginning to feel like one after a series of responses lately that were unwelcome and unexpected - considering i have clearly set boundaries for emotional needs. people still push and it's ridiculous to even think i would have to defend myself no matter what their intentions are. now i feel burnt and the need to step back from the net and pray for the peace, respect and space i know i deserve.

i write because it helps. i write because for entries like this i know i can reach people and hopefully help them to slow down before saying what they feel so obligated to say even if it crosses my emotional needs and boundaries right now. sometimes i write entries and keep them private so no one else can see but me. sometimes they go public.

we all must learn on our own, leave situations in God's hands and not man's. the best thing anyone could do for me right now, especially close friends, is respect my emotional needs and keep me close in heart and prayers. i do not need anyone telling me how to live my life nor will it make a difference in how i live it. if i want someone's opinion or advice on who or how i am then i will ask, otherwise give it over to God, not me - it's not welcome.

i hope this will reach people, a few close in mind and then others in general, to prevent anymore messages that cause upset on my end. i just don't have it in me. i give up.

i pray for understanding hearts.

Matthew 7:3-4

³"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

may we all, including myself, keep our eyes on our own plate and stop trying to fill up others - no matter what the intention is, it's not our place to do so and can feel very hurtful, disrespectful, offensive, condescending and invasive to the party on the other end.

banana buttons (sliced bananas) are too cute... too charming! real raw food is such a blessing. i am so excited to do the johnny-gets-jiggy in the kitchen raw food instructional and educational demos again, now for my family. my approach this time will not include the crazy complicated concoctions of raw recipes made to resemble gourmet cooked foods. instead, they may have similar names but will be a lot more simple with ingredients and prep time. did you know that EVERY ingredient in our foods must digest individually? that is correct. don't even get me started on fake foods - the raw gourmet ones are already extreme! i have found eating simple to mono meals to be the most nutritionally and physiologically rewarding way to eat. the less ingredients the less compromise on the gastrointestinal tract during digestion & absorption. example: 10 bananas for a meal is much better than 1 banana and 9 other ingredients (totaling to 10 ingredients all together verse 10 bananas = 1 ingredient just 10 of them). where am i going with this? my point is that i want to support what i believe in and educate my family in a non obsessive and open minded fashion while still articulating a solid backbone of real raw food and optimal digestion and absorption - the more of the then the more nutrients into the body - the healthier one becomes!

this week i introduced them to the healing powers of thai young coconuts through my famous avocado/coconut water/raw honey smoothie. next week i was thinking of teaching them a kid friendly retake on an all time favorite: banana and nut butter sandwiches. this one is delicious, quick and no brainer. i will post the recipe and hopefully a picture or two after i make it for them. it's basically going to be fresh made raw walnut butter spread on big romaine lettuce leafs adorned with banana slices in the middle and rolled up into a wrap sandwich. sweet, nutty and crunchy - it doesn't get better than that.

i also learned my sister likes seaweed but has never had dulse! wow, is she in for some surprises. i can do some very tasty and simple things with dulse. she also wants to try raw hemp seed, another one of my specialties. so i have a really fun line up of activities and raw food instructions for the entire family. it's a win-win situation. i will be getting much more out of it than they might think. i feel it is healthier to interact with food again this way because i know the kind of example i want to set to the kids and ridgid, obsessive, orthorexic viewpoints will not be welcome throughout this process. i will be very mindful and mature in how i go about with this and keep an open mind that is not about them going raw! it's about them getting healthier by eating more raw vegan meals of fruits and vegetables, juices and smoothies. i wish this for everyone really. the body molds to what you feed it, eat dead food and create death, eat living foods and create life! that is the flat out truth. we all deserve fresh, raw, organic vegan foods.

Bible Verse of the Night:

1 John 4:11-12 (New International Version)

¹¹Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

heart to heart:

what's your favorite raw food?

mr. mary poppins.

Joy and more joy! I will be leaving here shortly to go to my sister's house to help out with the kids. She is not feeling well and had to come home from the shop (she does hair!) early and wasn't sure if I should come but I told her it would be best for her to just REST and let me handle the household! Poor dear needs a BREAK. So I am off to play Mr. Mary Poppins and really happy about it. My heart is leaping with excitement. The kids even called earlier all excited wondering if I was coming.

Mr. Mary Poppins Agenda:

- Homework help!

- Introduction to avocado smoothies. The kids are going to LOVE my raw avocado smoothies. Next time I will introduce them to adding their favorite greens in but first I want them to enjoy the taste of the base (coconut water, raw honey and avocado power!). I will be doing a lot of raw food health education and live instructions/demos over there for smoothies, juices and raw food. This is a SWEET start ; D

-Clothing donations to my niece. I have a big bag of tanks ready for spring in her size!

-Acupressure/temple and scalp massage for my sister if her headache is still active. I use to do this for her ALL growing up and she LOVED it. She loved when I played with her hair! I realize how it's the pulling effect and pressure points. Clever kids.

-Tuck nephew into bed and read him Bible stories.

In the Mr. Mary Poppins Bag:

- LARGE bag of freshly picked organic greens from my garden: collards, kale, rosemary - all will be great for my sister if she is starting to catch something.

- Parsley and Garlic cloves for my sister - the number one cure all, especially if a cold is starting. My brother in law can also use with the greens. In the future I will show them how to make the best ever raw wraps with the collards... mmm...

- Smoothie ingredients: 2 coconuts, 1 ripe avocado, local raw honey

- The Children's Bible and Veggie Tales Bible Stories

- A piece of organic dried Kent mango for their dog. These are one of Dante's favorite raw treats!

- Bag of tank tops for Emma to go through.. my sister too if she'd like

I plan to keep things calm and orderly so my sister can actually REST. Originally she was suppose to be at work but is now home due to illness today. This seems to happen a lot. I would like to dedicate a night per week to coming over to help with the kids and give my brother in law a break while my sister works late at the shop. I generally am addicting at these hours but this is SO much worth changing that. Glory to God, amen! I'm feeling pumped and motivated and still can't get over how cute it was that my 8 year old nephew called me earlier "JOHNNY GUESS WHO THIS IS!!!??? ARE YOU COMING OVER TONIGHT!!!??? DID YOU GET MY EMAIL ADDRESS FROM EMMA YET!!!???"

My heart pounds for and with love.

This is Mr. Mary Poppins over and out!!!

uncle johnny

"uncle johnny" i must take a moment to breathe, breathe in and digest my day, digest the fact that i am getting a family again: a sister and a brother in law with 2 beautiful children who call me "uncle johnny!" today my mom, the kids and i went to paint pottery and get to know one another better since we have not been part of one another's lives. if i could sum what i just experienced up in a few words i would say: pure joy. i honestly feel God has blessed me with this new opportunity 1. as a tool in my recovery and 2. as a gift in return for the work i have been doing for Him... He is filling in the missing pieces to my puzzle: recovery, health, identity, family, etc. i am still in shock. i still need to absorb the fact that i saw my sister after this long and she has changed for the best and was so pleasant to be around. i am hoping to go see her next week to start building our bond again. to be an uncle is an honor. children are a gift. i am blessed with a beautiful artistic, avocado, coconut and ballet loving niece and a spunky comedian of an 8 year old nephew who likes cheese pizza and wants me to read him the story of david and goliath. there are many things to relate to both kids! my sister and her family are catholic. i want to be a good figure to her children and will never try to convert their religion as i feel we all deserve the right to our own beliefs. i will be open about my love for God and share whatever stories and hope that i can. i was deeply touched when little andrew, my nephew, asked me how miracles happen and also when my niece, emma, told me she wants to volunteer at her church with the kids during sunday school! it was also heart warming to see my sister and mother interact, as well as the kids and my mom. i am so excited to form a relationship my sister and her family again. i feel we all have a lot to offer one another and most of all true genuine love. i see great things happening. i see healing and more effort in recovery. i see God giving me what He feels i deserve: family and love, lots of it. i feel worthy. i must give God every bit of glory right now. thank You Lord. future plans ahead! ballets, plays, soccer, dance, crafts, outdoor adventures, movies, church, storytime, homework help, good clean God lovin' mentorship... a brother... an uncle... an honor to be. thank You Lord. thank You!

the last gasp.

let's jump back ten years ago.

here i am. johnny smooth. johnny be good. johnny be thinking he is the next james dean with cuffed dark denims and a pompadour that gets ravished and ruined when i riot ride like a rebel without a cause... jim stark style.

i riot ride aka bike ride with vengeance to work each day pulling faux-injury-stunts on the way home and pretending like it's nobody's business that i am finally becoming the boy i was meant to be. i "am" the johnny smooth - suave, slick and sexual. my sexual liberation like a boy version of gia marie carangi. i had no problems getting it and those who were getting it (from me) seemed to have no complaints, only desires to come back for more which made my ego and sexual experiences... big. i was openly playing the field -guys and dolls and all those genders in between like wild weeds shooting up in a garden. i was not looking to pick em' either, not ready to settle down since i was so fixated on a hedonistic hierarchy of humanity. take that - the last gasp? absolutely not! there are many more to come...

work,at that time, consisted of supervision and assistance with my sister's daycare. it was small but safe and secure. there was a limit to how many kids she could watch at once (state law) but having a helper helped both her and her business. i enjoyed working with and for her. i always admired my sister. i was very submissive to her growing up, she got a lot of my attention and affection when given the chance to do so. i feel that i was never assertive enough with her though, i didn't want to disappoint her and felt to shy to stand up for myself. this carried on from childhood to late teenage years when i finally grew a set of you-know-what and realized/experienced the power of my own voice, emotions and opinions. i then became a loud mouth frog. ribbet!

so the journey began. potty mouth pompadour prince, cigarettes hanging from lips like holiday ornaments - i was in them more for the look than the effect... social acceptance or something... blasting angry feminist riot grrrl music while doing the bikini kill and discovering both my boy side and artistic side while i began to document a transition that was about to change my life forever...

the transition actually began prior to age eighteen but i am going to focus on age eighteen and up because that is when the severity of shock and separation hit.

the shock: my Father is told that He has a rare form of cancer often found in children. the cancer is detected when my Dad and i go in for nose job consultations and His x-rays detect a growth in his sinus area which eventually spreads to His brain. after over a year of receiving every treatment humanly possible and enduring hell on earth God finally takes Him in the flesh and allows Him to rest now, pain free. now my Father has separated from this earth and because of this the family will also separate as they have no need or "excuse" to be around one another anymore. my Father was the needle and thread that held the garment together but went He left us the needle and thread left and the garment unraveled into a big mess of material and loose ends.

the separation: the family consisted of my Father, my mother, my step sister and brother who shared the same Father, my aunt aka Father's sister and her son - my cousin. we all lived very close to one another with our houses literally just up the street from each other. i was closest to my cousin and sister. my cousin was more like a brother to me and my brother more distant due to past unresolved issues. my Father was the backbone for family connections. my Father's side of the family never really liked my mother and in return she didn't like them as well so there was always tension. we would gather during holidays and that tension would temporarily go away when the wine was brought out. my Mom would drink and become the life of the party, having people laughing and masking their true feelings while alcohol masked her but when the alcohol wore off and holiday was over - so was the party and it was back to jealousy and gossip. i was often stuck playing monkey in the middle being forced to take sides which i highly disliked and tried hard NOT to do. instead i put up with their verbal vomit and that was that. splat!

to make a long story short: Dad dies, family seperates, for awhile i am stuck bouncing from my Mom as my family to my sister/brother/aunt/cousin as my family. there is no more unity. there is a wall of bitterness, resentment and rage instead. i remain neutral. i am not disliked. however, now i am making more effort at matching my body to my brain and ignorance on my family's side is not so encouraging. i start to get disrespected and offended. i also start to speak up and set boundaries and at this point, in order to protect myself, i detach from the family that once loved and accepted me for who i am but now does not know how to do this based on who i am becoming, nor are they willing to really try - so i say goodbye.

ten years later. here i am, having survived almost death and back, having gone 10 years without solid connection to my family. having my only flesh family be my mom and pets. here i am like an androgynous stick figure battling and fighting every day of my life to see another. here i am, february 15th 2010, with plans to hang out with my sister and her children, my niece (13 and her and i were connected at the hip while she was growing up) and nephew (7? whom i never got a chance to be a part of his life since he was born after the separation), after ten years of no real substantial relationship. how did this happen? i guess my sister had a change of heart a few months ago and let go of bitterness and resentment, contacted my mother with intentions of uniting again. if you knew the situation (wicked step mother complex, wicked step children complex) then you'd know this is an absolute miracle. it took this long for them both to let go but they did and have been active in one another's lives for the past few months. i was invited as well but it's taken me time to evaluate when i am ready for considering the severity of my health and eating disorders. i have been telling my mom that i don't want to subject the kids to this but then she reminds me that being in their life is better than not being in their life. they are growing up so fast. how wonderful it would be to have a family again? i can't help but agree so i have invited my sister and her children and also my mom to hang out and connect with chit chat and crafts today in hopes of building new bonds.

am i nervous? slightly and semi cowardly fashion like when i was as a child finding it hard to say no to my sister and doing whatever she wanted of me... hard to say no like when i played servant on the floor and soaked her feet in hot water and did bizarre things to help alleviate the pains of her callused feet like biting them because the pressure helped. a floor foot biter? brilliant. i found it hard to say no. in ways i still feel a stream of that shyness, however, now i am as blunt as a bee sting. i have no problems speaking my mind and do not back down.

fearful? yes but not for my own sake... for the kid's sake. i am confident in the maturity and growth of my sister to accept me as her brother because i can tell there has been a real change in her. i plan to investigate this further, see if she feels it is God working in her or what helped her turn over a new leaf. i can say on my behalf that i question if unity between me and my sister, her kids (and husband) is a gift from God FOR my recovery. a gift of prioritizing family and human beings over addictive space that pretty much consumes my life, ocd style. there is fear though, fear of being a poor influence on a 13 year old budding into the world, developing a body and liking to older role models. i do not want her, or anyone, to look at me and idolize me and want to do what i'm doing to be more like me because they admire me... or to want to be as thin as me (or where i have been in the past even at a healthier weight but still underweight). it's a very tricky subject. the kids have been notified that i am their uncle dealing with severe eating disorders and health complications and have only seen me on rare occasions like running into my sister and them at the thrift store or whole foods. they have been notified that i have limited physical energy and can only endure so much based on where my health currently is at. i can go a few hours and then must be at home resting. that is life right now, that is reality right now. so i must strategically watch and knit these new opportunities into my life. i must be cautious and remember my own needs and recovery, as well as what i subject the children to. food will be an issue, food will not and can not be the center of gatherings. i am not at a place of stability or peace with that. days, times, duration of our hang outs, etc. must be worked around all of our schedules. this will require some planning. i am fine with that. all i care is that we connect and spend quality time that makes ALL of us happy and does not compromise anyone's health.

if they make it back from overnight camping (local) on time then we all plan to meet today from 1 to 3:30 at a local art center where you can paint pottery and get it fired. this will give us open and free space to talk and get to know one another in present time. i have also requested some time at the end of this month on a saturday when i do not have iv treatment since my doctor will be out that day. my sister and her family do not live far from me either so popping by her place from time to time will be enjoyable as well. in a nutshell it's all very exciting. i am really hoping they can make it today, if not then i know God is saying i must be patient and wait. it's all in God's timing, all in God's plan. so i must stand on patient edge, knowing He will bring me good things to come as i swallow the last gasp.

obey His commands.

For it is written, obey HIS commands. God's Word - the first and last WORD. There is no room to slip or stretch. Obey HIS commands...

Deuteronomy 28

Blessings for Obedience

¹ If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. ² All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God:

³ You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.

⁴ The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.

⁵ Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.

⁶ You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.

⁷ The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.

⁸ The LORD will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The LORD your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.

⁹ The LORD will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the LORD your God and walk in his ways. ¹⁰ Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they will fear you. ¹¹ The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.

¹² The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. ¹³The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. ¹⁴ Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.

Curses for Disobedience

¹⁵ However, if you do not obey the LORD your God and do not carefully follow all his commands and decrees I am giving you today, all these curses will come upon you and overtake you:

¹⁶ You will be cursed in the city and cursed in the country.

¹⁷ Your basket and your kneading trough will be cursed.

¹⁸ The fruit of your womb will be cursed, and the crops of your land, and the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.

¹⁹ You will be cursed when you come in and cursed when you go out.

²⁰ The LORD will send on you curses, confusion and rebuke in everything you put your hand to, until you are destroyed and come to sudden ruin because of the evil you have done in forsaking him. ²¹ The LORD will plague you with diseases until he has destroyed you from the land you are entering to possess. ²² The LORD will strike you with wasting disease, with fever and inflammation, with scorching heat and drought, with blight and mildew, which will plague you until you perish. ²³ The sky over your head will be bronze, the ground beneath you iron. ²⁴ The LORD will turn the rain of your country into dust and powder; it will come down from the skies until you are destroyed.

²⁵ The LORD will cause you to be defeated before your enemies. You will come at them from one direction but flee from them in seven, and you will become a thing of horror to all the kingdoms on earth. ²⁶ Your carcasses will be food for all the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and there will be no one to frighten them away. ²⁷ The LORD will afflict you with the boils of Egypt and with tumors, festering sores and the itch, from which you cannot be cured. ²⁸ The LORD will afflict you with madness, blindness and confusion of mind. ²⁹ At midday you will grope about like a blind man in the dark. You will be unsuccessful in everything you do; day after day you will be oppressed and robbed, with no one to rescue you.

³⁰ You will be pledged to be married to a woman, but another will take her and ravish her. You will build a house, but you will not live in it. You will plant a vineyard, but you will not even begin to enjoy its fruit. ³¹ Your ox will be slaughtered before your eyes, but you will eat none of it. Your donkey will be forcibly taken from you and will not be returned. Your sheep will be given to your enemies, and no one will rescue them. ³² Your sons and daughters will be given to another nation, and you will wear out your eyes watching for them day after day, powerless to lift a hand. ³³ A people that you do not know will eat what your land and labor produce, and you will have nothing but cruel oppression all your days. ³⁴The sights you see will drive you mad. ³⁵ The LORD will afflict your knees and legs with painful boils that cannot be cured, spreading from the soles of your feet to the top of your head.

³⁶ The LORD will drive you and the king you set over you to a nation unknown to you or your fathers. There you will worship other gods, gods of wood and stone. ³⁷You will become a thing of horror and an object of scorn and ridicule to all the nations where the LORD will drive you.

³⁸ You will sow much seed in the field but you will harvest little, because locusts will devour it. ³⁹ You will plant vineyards and cultivate them but you will not drink the wine or gather the grapes, because worms will eat them. ⁴⁰ You will have olive trees throughout your country but you will not use the oil, because the olives will drop off. ⁴¹ You will have sons and daughters but you will not keep them, because they will go into captivity. ⁴² Swarms of locusts will take over all your trees and the crops of your land.

⁴³ The alien who lives among you will rise above you higher and higher, but you will sink lower and lower. ⁴⁴ He will lend to you, but you will not lend to him. He will be the head, but you will be the tail.

⁴⁵ All these curses will come upon you. They will pursue you and overtake you until you are destroyed, because you did not obey the LORD your God and observe the commands and decrees he gave you. ⁴⁶ They will be a sign and a wonder to you and your descendants forever. ⁴⁷ Because you did not serve the LORD your God joyfully and gladly in the time of prosperity, ⁴⁸ therefore in hunger and thirst, in nakedness and dire poverty, you will serve the enemies the LORD sends against you. He will put an iron yoke on your neck until he has destroyed you.

⁴⁹ The LORD will bring a nation against you from far away, from the ends of the earth, like an eagle swooping down, a nation whose language you will not understand, ⁵⁰ a fierce-looking nation without respect for the old or pity for the young. ⁵¹ They will devour the young of your livestock and the crops of your land until you are destroyed. They will leave you no grain, new wine or oil, nor any calves of your herds or lambs of your flocks until you are ruined. ⁵² They will lay siege to all the cities throughout your land until the high fortified walls in which you trust fall down. They will besiege all the cities throughout the land the LORD your God is giving you.

⁵³ Because of the suffering that your enemy will inflict on you during the siege, you will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the LORD your God has given you. ⁵⁴ Even the most gentle and sensitive man among you will have no compassion on his own brother or the wife he loves or his surviving children, ⁵⁵and he will not give to one of them any of the flesh of his children that he is eating. It will be all he has left because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of all your cities. ⁵⁶ The most gentle and sensitive woman among you—so sensitive and gentle that she would not venture to touch the ground with the sole of her foot—will begrudge the husband she loves and her own son or daughter ⁵⁷ the afterbirth from her womb and the children she bears. For she intends to eat them secretly during the siege and in the distress that your enemy will inflict on you in your cities.

⁵⁸ If you do not carefully follow all the words of this law, which are written in this book, and do not revere this glorious and awesome name—the LORD your God- ⁵⁹the LORD will send fearful plagues on you and your descendants, harsh and prolonged disasters, and severe and lingering illnesses. ⁶⁰ He will bring upon you all the diseases of Egypt that you dreaded, and they will cling to you. ⁶¹ The LORD will also bring on you every kind of sickness and disaster not recorded in this Book of the Law, until you are destroyed. ⁶² You who were as numerous as the stars in the sky will be left but few in number, because you did not obey the LORD your God. ⁶³Just as it pleased the LORD to make you prosper and increase in number, so it will please him to ruin and destroy you. You will be uprooted from the land you are entering to possess.

⁶⁴ Then the LORD will scatter you among all nations, from one end of the earth to the other. There you will worship other gods—gods of wood and stone, which neither you nor your fathers have known. ⁶⁵ Among those nations you will find no repose, no resting place for the sole of your foot. There the LORD will give you an anxious mind, eyes weary with longing, and a despairing heart. ⁶⁶ You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day, never sure of your life. ⁶⁷In the morning you will say, "If only it were evening!" and in the evening, "If only it were morning!"-because of the terror that will fill your hearts and the sights that your eyes will see. ⁶⁸ The LORD will send you back in ships to Egypt on a journey I said you should never make again. There you will offer yourselves for sale to your enemies as male and female slaves, but no one will buy you.

write.

to prevent writer's block.

write.

because i deserve this personal space.

write.

because sometimes i have so much on my mind i don't even know where to start.

write.

because i feel vulnerable and sensitive and want to curl up in a corner and cry.

write.

because i owe it to myself.

write.

to seal the deal with honey kissed lips.

write,

because i have hope in my heart that things will get better - for me, for all.

write.

because it is helpful and healing.

write.

because you can.

face to face.

My good friend & sister in Christ sent me this video the other day. I watched it and was blown away by it's beauty. I wanted to share it with all of you. I found it the perfect pair to stretch, breathe and meditate to.

Artist: Rick Pino Album: Songs For An Endtime Army (2009) Song: Penuel (Face To Face) Copyright Rick Pino

Heart to Heart: Today's Biblical Gift

+ Job 33:26-33 +

²⁶ He prays to God and finds favor with him,

he sees God's face and shouts for joy;

he is restored by God to his righteous state.

²⁷ Then he comes to men and says,

'I sinned, and perverted what was right,

but I did not get what I deserved.

²⁸ He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit,

and I will live to enjoy the light.'

²⁹ "God does all these things to a man—

twice, even three times-

³⁰ to turn back his soul from the pit,

that the light of life may shine on him.

³¹ "Pay attention, Job, and listen to me;

be silent, and I will speak.

³² If you have anything to say, answer me;

speak up, for I want you to be cleared.

³³ But if not, then listen to me;

be silent, and I will teach you wisdom."

shedding sinful skin.

Look at this picture. Take a long good look at it. This is how I feel. This is how I have felt, entrapped by the enemy - the devil - the undertaker - the serpent. When the devil wraps himself around us he clothes our naked, innocent, pure bodies with his sinful snake skin. Right now I want to cry. I want to cry so hard, so bad that tears won't even reach my eyes so I am sitting and writing instead. I really need this space right now as I can feel my tears pouring out my fingertips. Imagine puddles, little fingertip wells. Picture the logo on Morton Salt containers, "When it rains it pours"... that is how bad I am crying inside right now, not in sadness and sorrow but in humble dedication and devotion to God.

The last day or so I have been feeling VERY consumed with Christ. What I mean by this is I have been whole heartily giving myself to the Lord - giving my desires, giving my ways of living, giving my identity, giving up all I've ever known of myself and so forth - over to God for extreme evaluation. This kind of commitment to Christ is new to me, everything is moving so fast Life feels like looking out the window from the backseat with God in the driver's seat, Jesus in the passenger seat, the Holy Spirit spiritually surrounding our car and me in the backseat: humble, trusting, wanting to the be the best I can be for God and just sitting there waiting and allowing Him to drive the car and take me where He want me to go... not where I want to go as my life is in His hands.

As I turn my life and self over to God I am feeling skinned and exposed. When a snake sheds it's skin a new layer of skin is revealed. I feel like God is skinning me and the new layers are gifts, gifts I am finding hard to handle because they are new to me. I am so use to my "worldly" self and ways that the changes being made are both beautiful and scary at the same time. However, God knows my heart and I feel He honors that I am throwing myself and trust at His feet. God is guiding me and my mind is racing like the moving pictures I see from the backseat.

I think I need to breathe. I need to breathe and slow down and just accept whatever is coming because whatever is coming is what I'm asking of God so He is doing His part to come through. Now I must too. How relaxing it will be to just go with the flow, God's FLOW! I am too on edge because I am just so confused about myself without my usual skin. I know in my heart that God will deliver me from whatever is not of His Will or Way for me. I must do my work for Him in return and in exchange He will continue to do His work for me and in me.

I feel like my entire life is on the back burner. I remain abstinent right now in MANY things in order to allow God to evaluate them one by one. The addiction aka eating disorders seem to be the hardest to lay at the Cross. God planted seeds of hope in my heart though when He led me to my perfect treatment center - which was last spring - and now I am ready and willing and God is working out the quirks so I can get there and fully heal. Recovery start from within. It starts with a choice to recover and that means one must fully surrender and submit just as I am for God. Therefore, I rest assured that no matter what I do to recover or where I go - it's all God's healing as He is living in me since I am living for Him.

Tears of joy now. Tears of promise. Tears of endless love. Tears of forgiveness. Tears of recovery. Tears of change. Tears of a better future. Tears of hope. Tears of faith. Tears of willpower. Tears of gratitude to God. Tears of devotion. Tears of the shedding of sinful skin.

Consumed with Christ? better to be consumed with Christ than consumed with the world and if that means isolating myself from non believers and world followers than so be it. What matters most is my walk and devotion to God and doing my part as a Christian child to honor and obey Him and allow Him to use me as He feels fit. God has the master plan!!!

1 John 4:4-6 (New Living Translation)

^"4 But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. ⁵ Those people belong to this world, so they speak from the world’s viewpoint, and the world listens to them. ⁶ But we belong to God, and those who know God listen to us. If they do not belong to God, they do not listen to us. That is how we know if someone has the Spirit of truth or the spirit of deception."