spill.

i am feeling... disconnected, disoriented and deranged. now, in order to make sure i am using the proper word, "deranged", i am going to go look up the definition of it. it's one of those words, yes indeed one of those words that is like "so totally 80s" but so totally what i think i am feeling right now. so sit tight while i go adventure dictionary.com...

it must be a d-thang because words coming up in definition include: disorder, disturb (the condition of) and disarrange. they also charm-fully (rolls eyes) throw in "to make insane" ... lovely.

ever feel that insatiable hunger for attention? like no matter what you are wanting, needing and wishing. you want to just leap into someone'a arms, anyone's arms, and say "hug me-hug me-hug me... love-me, love-me, love-me!" i guess what i am saying is that today i feel vulnerable and lonely. i have identified these feelings and was given a red flag (thank you Holy Spirit) to remind me that the world can't feed me the way Christ can. i can fill up my cup with the world but will never be satisfied for true soul satiety comes only through and from Christ. now all these great verses are popping in my head and i can feel the company and comfort of Christ already.

John 6:35

Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

John 4:13-14

13Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Matthew 5:6

“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Psalm 107:9

For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.

Psalm 63:5

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

nothing like a good Christ-cure. God's Word is so perfect. reading those verses right now is like taking a double dose of RX prescribed by Dr. God Himself. thank YOU LORD!

tonight i need to center. first, i'm changing the d-thang to a c-thang. i'm replacing all those d-words and devil's depression to c-thangs like Christ, candles and a cute clean Comcast comedy tonight for cheer. maybe some dante cuddles too but boy needs a bath, he is stinking right now.he will get one this new week ahead, no worries. as winnie the pooh would say, "oh bother" - i think this means i could use some cuddling even if he's a stink pot right now. ha, in the end we can both be stinky all for the sake of love : )

sounds like a solid plan. amazing what a little spilling can do and even more amazing how a few scriptures can really clean things up. thanks again God!

rule of thumb.

rule of thumb. this Bible verse is by far one of the best rule of thumbs that everyone should live by:

Proverbs 3:5 (New International Version)

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

lean not on your own understanding. this is exactly what i needed to hear (again) today. i hold this verse very close to my heart and take it out whenever i know i need it. the truth of the matter is that when you are living for God and with God you are not in control, He is. what you see, what you get, how life plays out in front of you is all up to Him not you. if we were in control then our lives would be complete. well they aren't and so we must trust in God to guide us and you know what? no matter how unexpected of an outcome we get that is not in our first favor - God will ALWAYS work something out for us that was meant to be whether we get it or not. it's God's WAY or the highway folks!

today: to make a long story short. i have had plans with my nephew. i have been trying to get together with my sister and the kids all week with no return phone calls. it's not me. it's not our new relationship. it's them and how they operate. they do not return calls well and are terribly hard to get a hold of. i am not the only one who has said this. anyhow, this was one of my only free saturdays since i generally am getting iv treatment on saturday. i dedicated it to my nephew. i had everything all planned and set and was really excited to go pick him up. i show up and no one is home. my brother in law left with him and didn't even bother to call me to tell me he was cancelling. i kept calling and calling with no answer - just like all throughout last week when i try to reach either one of them. finally i take a hint, devestated, and take off.

so now what? i've got a sore thumb like i've been hit with a hammer, disappointed into a hot and bothered mess of confusion. high ho cherry oh, it's not safe to go home. i fear i will go home in depression and start addicting to numb myself so instead of self abuse i decide to do some self appreciation. i book a 1 1/2 hour session at my favorite foot spa and in the meantime head over to old navy to see if they have any sales. big corp, i know i know i know, bad idea but they are one of the only stores i can find pants that fit at this outlandishly low body weight. i literally have one pair of pants that fit and they are like second skin now. i score a new pair of pants + two $5 tees.

as i leave the store i finally get a call from my nephew. i guess his father had him call for him. thanks? sorry but adults are not 8 year olds and should not act like them either. own up and call next time before i drive over there please with my high horse hopes up to see my nephew. i mean seriously, he knew this prior to leaving with him. he knew i was coming. how hard would it of been to call? my nephew tried to put him on the phone but he said no because he was driving and was obviously unwilling to pull over for 1 minute of his day to explain to me what happened and apologize but no, no remorse or nothing. we hang up and i drive over to the foot spa. i have a lovely session with my lady amy. i leave refreshed.

to sum things up: God did not want me and my nephew to be together today. maybe something bad might of happened? who knows, only God. however, He still provided for me. i did not go home and addict. i had some special time with myself and maybe that is what i needed most. i feel so much better now that i stopped trying to understand on my own terms and just accepted that my day was planned out in God's terms, His plans for me. this also shows me what areas i need to set boundaries with my sister and husband. kids are kids but there is no excuse for adults acting like kids and creating distress and unfairness. things have been very wishy wash the last week and i was feeling bits of depression over it in reaction. no thank you. that is not fair for me nor is it enjoyable. i put out more energy last week in trying to coordinate things than i have in a long time and got nothing really in return response. so now i will keep this in mind. i believe in equal energy exchange and that which is not equal doesn't deserve my time. that goes for everyone though. i like equality not wishy washy or one sided. boundaries being browsed now & set to prevent future upset & problems.

but... honey how on earth can i complain over some deals and spa time? special surprises from God. thank You Lord for providing for me alternative blessings, the best ones being a sound mind with compassion and clarity and secure structure throughout my day.

in closing my friends, things will not always go in our favor. this is when you must remember Proverbs 3:5.

heart to heart:

what are some things God has changed for you according to His plans?