Tuesday, February 2, 2010

shedding sinful skin.

Look at this picture. Take a long good look at it. This is how I feel. This is how I have felt, entrapped by the enemy - the devil - the undertaker - the serpent. When the devil wraps himself around us he clothes our naked, innocent, pure bodies with his sinful snake skin. Right now I want to cry. I want to cry so hard, so bad that tears won't even reach my eyes so I am sitting and writing instead. I really need this space right now as I can feel my tears pouring out my fingertips. Imagine puddles, little fingertip wells. Picture the logo on Morton Salt containers, "When it rains it pours"... that is how bad I am crying inside right now, not in sadness and sorrow but in humble dedication and devotion to God.

The last day or so I have been feeling VERY consumed with Christ. What I mean by this is I have been whole heartily giving myself to the Lord - giving my desires, giving my ways of living, giving my identity, giving up all I've ever known of myself and so forth - over to God for extreme evaluation. This kind of commitment to Christ is new to me, everything is moving so fast Life feels like looking out the window from the backseat with God in the driver's seat, Jesus in the passenger seat, the Holy Spirit spiritually surrounding our car and me in the backseat: humble, trusting, wanting to the be the best I can be for God and just sitting there waiting and allowing Him to drive the car and take me where He want me to go... not where I want to go as my life is in His hands.

As I turn my life and self over to God I am feeling skinned and exposed. When a snake sheds it's skin a new layer of skin is revealed. I feel like God is skinning me and the new layers are gifts, gifts I am finding hard to handle because they are new to me. I am so use to my "worldly" self and ways that the changes being made are both beautiful and scary at the same time. However, God knows my heart and I feel He honors that I am throwing myself and trust at His feet. God is guiding me and my mind is racing like the moving pictures I see from the backseat.

I think I need to breathe. I need to breathe and slow down and just accept whatever is coming because whatever is coming is what I'm asking of God so He is doing His part to come through. Now I must too. How relaxing it will be to just go with the flow, God's FLOW! I am too on edge because I am just so confused about myself without my usual skin. I know in my heart that God will deliver me from whatever is not of His Will or Way for me. I must do my work for Him in return and in exchange He will continue to do His work for me and in me.

I feel like my entire life is on the back burner. I remain abstinent right now in MANY things in order to allow God to evaluate them one by one. The addiction aka eating disorders seem to be the hardest to lay at the Cross. God planted seeds of hope in my heart though when He led me to my perfect treatment center - which was last spring - and now I am ready and willing and God is working out the quirks so I can get there and fully heal. Recovery start from within. It starts with a choice to recover and that means one must fully surrender and submit just as I am for God. Therefore, I rest assured that no matter what I do to recover or where I go - it's all God's healing as He is living in me since I am living for Him.

Tears of joy now. Tears of promise. Tears of endless love. Tears of forgiveness. Tears of recovery. Tears of change. Tears of a better future. Tears of hope. Tears of faith. Tears of willpower. Tears of gratitude to God. Tears of devotion. Tears of the shedding of sinful skin.

Consumed with Christ? better to be consumed with Christ than consumed with the world and if that means isolating myself from non believers and world followers than so be it. What matters most is my walk and devotion to God and doing my part as a Christian child to honor and obey Him and allow Him to use me as He feels fit. God has the master plan!!!

1 John 4:4-6 (New Living Translation)

"4 But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world. 5 Those people belong to this world, so they speak from the world’s viewpoint, and the world listens to them. 6 But we belong to God, and those who know God listen to us. If they do not belong to God, they do not listen to us. That is how we know if someone has the Spirit of truth or the spirit of deception."