Sunday, January 31, 2010

psalm 86

This Psalm was so beautiful I just had to post the entire passage. May God's love surround you all each and every day! Every new day is a gift, treat it special. God loves you : ) and one day all of His loyal believers will rest with Him in Heaven. Until then, walk by faith & give honor to God!
Your Brother in Christ,
* Johnny *

Psalm 86 (NIV)

A prayer of David.

1 Hear, O LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

2 Guard my life, for I am devoted to you.
You are my God; save your servant
who trusts in you.

3 Have mercy on me, O Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

4 Bring joy to your servant,
for to you, O Lord,
I lift up my soul.

5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

6 Hear my prayer, O LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.

7 In the day of my trouble I will call to you,
for you will answer me.

8 Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

9 All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, O Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.

10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

12 I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

13 For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

14 The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life—
men without regard for you.

15 But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

16 Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save the son of your maidservant.

17 Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

HeArT tO HeArT: Your Sunday question...

What are you grateful to God for today??? Give Him gratitude & glory!!!

Friday, January 29, 2010

poison ivy.

"Oh my God!" Yes, you read it. Yes, I'm sure you've said it but what really does it mean?

This term "Oh my God" so popularly used that I wouldn't even call it slang. It's spread like poison ivy and many people are exposed and many of them are left itching their scratches which only make them worse.

Some of you may think I am making a mountain out of a molehill to dissect three words grouped together but when words grouped together involve mention of God I feel it fair to evaluate. I am doing this more often as I grow closer in relationship to God and want to do what is respectful to Him so things like this DO count. If He made our mouths than surely He can shape our mouths, all those who are willing.

I also feel it important to add that in the 3rd commandment it says we are not to use God's name in vain. Therefore, this topic is more like a mountain and all those failing to acknowledge it are the molehills. There should be no belittling of God or breaking of His laws yet one way or another we are all doing something, we are all sinning.

I came across this great article from someone who obviously took a ton of time to put thought into this topic. You can read it here:

I use to say "Oh my God!" in reaction to things without even thinking about how using God's name so freely might effect Him. It was just a saying and I wasn't the only one saying it It was being used so frequently and predominantly that it felt like habitual vocabulary.

Lately, I have stopped to think about the usage of phrase and it's purpose. I have concluded that it serves no real purpose and is a disrespectful way of calling on God - when really it isn't even about calling on God but calling on carelessness. Stop for a moment and think about this. What if the new phrase became "Oh my (insert your name here)!" and people all around the nation used this new phrase in term of "Oh my God!" Everywhere you'd go you would be hearing people calling out your name for no apparent reason. Don't you think that after awhile you'd get pretty annoyed? frustrated? on edge?

Well, how do you think God feels when He hears people - all people - tossing His name around like a rag doll? God has the power to hear all people, therefore He is listening to all these comments and their content no matter what the intention is. Think about it! Think about respect! I feel the most disrespectful way to use God's name is in vain which is really an umbrella term for various phrases.

Even the most beautiful plant may be poisonous inside, infectious. God knows our hearts and the more respect we have for Him the bigger our hearts are to Him. I have been trying hard to eliminate phrases in my vocabulary to better serve my Lord. God honors the steps we allow Him to guide us to take. As sheep follow their Shepherd, we should all follow Him.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Heart to Heart: Tonight's Question:

What does your vocabulary say about you?

pyschological stoplights.

There is an old Kenny Roger's song called "Coward of the County"... My Father and I use to love to sing this song on the way home from school. I remember the old El Camino, speedy freeway travels, dirty blonde falling curls, images outside my window, the singing, the laughter, the misunderstanding, the potential connection - the potential relationship in which we never really had. This song though was like a twig in the mouth of a dove of peace, it brought me hope. There are some lyrics that I have never forgotten, they go like this: "You've got to know when to hold em', know when to fold em', know when to walk away, know when to run..." There is also a very popuplar and wise saying that really is important to live by, "If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say it at all!"

Where am I going with this? I am honestly sick and tired of coming to my computer to check messages and every day there is at least one to a few rude and negative energy comments or drama intended to attack and harass me when I did nothing to annunciate or intentionally provoke this. It just happens out of the blue and makes me think why people feel the need so strongly and so self seekingly to go bully others and try to bring them down. It's generally due to their own inner demons, issues and methods of projecting and displacing them. It's SAD. Why even waste the time and energy? If you don't like someone's videos or personality then simply don't follow them. It's not hard to not go on someone's page if you don't care for who they are or what they have to say. What gives people the right to judge anyways? I think judgement is a big word that can be a lot of things. I associate the word judgement with negative things. There is a big difference between forming a natural and healthy opinion on people and things and forming judgement on people and things. There are also mature and immature ways to handle our thoughts and opinions.

Judgement happens, we all do it but it feels pretty rotten when it's done to us so this is something we should all keep in mind prior to acting out on judgmental thoughts. Even a few short words can feel like stones thrown at your back. Cruel, unGodly intentions can hurt.

I will stop myself in thought here and divert my focus to the fact that I must sink in my own words. I can own up to my behaviors and will admit that within the last month or so I have had a couple encounters where I really should of done what I call the "yellow light, red light, green light" approach verse not thinking clearly and mindfully enough prior to reacting to something or someone that evoked emotions and feelings inside of me. The yellow light reminds you to slow down and get prepared to stop. The red light reminds us to stop, allow your feelings to come up, process those feelings, think mindfully about how you want and should react or if you even should voice your reaction all while remaining calm, content and mature in the process. The green light then tells you which direction to go, which action to make.

Having a voice is a powerful thing and the power to exert that voice is a privilege. However, is voicing our opinions always necessary? especially when other people's feelings are on the lines? sometimes people who really didn't do anything at all and what is really going on is some kind of trigger for the person themself and not anyone else yet it's so easy to take it out on others. Maybe they see something in someone else that reminds them of them self or someone else. Maybe it connects them with a bad memories, trauma, pain, etc. Maybe they want something you have, maybe they are jealous and envious. Maybe they have been abused and feel the need to speak up each and everytime as a form of reclaiming power and control. Maybe they are seeking self validation or esteem and feel this is the only way to achieve it. Maybe this is a long developed defense mechanism. Maybe they have a problem slowing down, stopping and evaluating how their words are going to represent them and benefit others. Maybe this and maybe that, whatever the case may be it's not acceptable to intentionally verbalize hurt to others.

I am listening to Michael Andrews song "Mad World" at the moment, it's beautiful and the melody is one I find soul soothing. A mad world, it really seems to be at times. Anger and resentment are 2 of the most toxic feelings to harbor within ourselves. Oh what a joy it would be if we could all just breathe, love and be happy - and share it with one another.

I ask that anyone who was led to read this today to consider the possibility of opening your hearts and minds - consider taking the yellow, red and green light approach next time you are presented or put in a situation where you've got a strong reaction and feel the need to voice it. I will do the same because really this all boils down to self control, dignity, respect for oneself and others, the power of freedom of speech and the ways it can effect all those involved. The rushed-rapid-response-reaction is something I consider a default of character and one I am truly trying to lift over to God. It really is a form of defense and judgment, for whatever reasons, and does not serve me or others healthy or positive purpose. I would eventually like to be at a point where if it isn't of or from God then it shouldn't be coming out of my mouth and instead all thoughts should be given over to God not voiced in a way that is spewed violently like verbal-vomit. We should all take advantage of the discernment to know when to "hold em" and know when to "fold em".

Luke 6:37 (New International Version)

Judging Others
37"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 28 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue."


Proverbs 17:27-28 (New International Version)

27"A man of knowledge uses words with restraint,
and a man of understanding is even-tempered. 28 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue."


♥HEART TO HEART♥ TODAY'S assignment:

Get a writing tool and piece of paper (or type) and write out a past situation where you could have benefited from the yellow, red, green light approach. Make sure you properly address the incident, your reactive feelings, your reactions to those feelings/behavior in response, how it effected you and the other person or people and how you could of changed things on your behalf to slow down and think more mindfully. This assignment may help you acknowledge your own behaviors, process your emotions and release what is meant to be released. It will also help prep you for future situations because you are putting energy into brainstorming change.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

apple peels.

apple peels.

i grew up a very shy and sheltered child. i was put in religious schools and spent most of my time with my Mom in Christian church and groups or doing activities with her away from my Father or sister and brother. i never felt the kind of close blood bond with my Father, sister or brother that i desired. there was always a separation and my Mom seemed to be a wall keeping equal energy exchange for connections outside of her wing. she always referred to herself as the Mother Hen with me being the baby chick. Mother birds are protective, piss them off and they will peck your eyes out. let's just say my Mom has always been protective of me. i developed many fears growing up, especially in school where i didn't have Mom to protect me. i was afraid to go on field trips, afraid of other kids, afraid to speak in class, afraid of my own identity which i was confused and unclear about, afraid to eat in front of people and very much afraid to grow up. i still am, afraid to grow up that is and remaining ill in eating disorders is a way of avoiding growing up. attached to this thought are MANY fears. growing up does not just mean growing up, it means many things and with each of those things there is fear. i've got a full basket in that department. let's jump back though.

here i am, long skinny legs, nick named walking sticks, at lunch with a bag of food in front of me. how nice of Mom to brown paper bag me a sandwich, juice in the box, fruit and some cookies or crackers to munch on. most kids, or at least the ones around me, would be very happy to chow down. i, on the other hand, did not want to draw any attention to myself and felt eating would do this. i did not connect well with other kids probably because i was still so connected with my Mother that i was pretty much still in her womb. that's what it felt like. so i remained in this safe place, this little bubble, and isolated... the same ways i have in addiction. binging is a way of eating myself back into the safety and security, the warmth of the womb. purging is the violent release, the birth, the giving out of the womb. starving has been a way of not growing up, trying to stay young and prepubescent, bodiless. more on all that and my theories at a later date. all i know is that it all makes complete sense no matter how twisted it sounds, it's legitimate and a valuable tool to help me un-peel the layers that still keep me wrapped in addiction.

good old apple peels. after school we had a teacher who monitored us outside. she would bring a cart of treats with her that kids could buy. i remember the crap chemicals kids seem to love: frosted cupcakes, generally white cake mix with chocolate frosting and if you were lucky them some of those candied shaped sprinkles on top. let's call her Mrs. D... she made them herself. she also brought things like single serve packages of chips, crackers, etc. and a large plastic bulk bin of chewy candy. Mrs. D was fond of apples. she would sit in the sun with her cart and peel her apple on to a paper towel. she allowed kids who did not have money for her goody cart to work around the schoolyard for apple peels. i did this a lot. i was hungry after school considering i didn't eat but a few bites at lunch and then would either give my lunch away to other kids hoping they might like me or just throw it away in the garbage. i hated eating in the cafeteria more than anything as more kids were in there sitting to eat and that was major stress to me. my social anxiety was pretty bad but we didn't have a term for it back then. we didn't know. it was called being shy but was way more than that. the only steps i really ever took in the cafeteria were to grab a mustard pack or two. you know those little teaspoon serving mustard condiment packs? sometimes those were lunch.

come on now, i was hungry. who wouldn't be? i was hungry in more than one way though. i was starving. physically speaking though, i enjoyed working for my apple peels. i would basically have to bring Mrs. D a certain amount of trash that i hand-picked-up and in return, in reward, i was gifted her unwanted apple peels. we never got the apple, we only got the peels. they were small peels, not long ones. she could give out more this way. the yard could get cleaner this way. i was able to do my own thing by collecting trash. it killed time and anxiety while waiting for one of my parents to pick me up. i always looked forward to getting out of there and going home. i did have some friends, don't get me wrong, but i was not social and my Mom was my best friend. the umbilical cord had not yet been cut.

i love my Mom till no tomorrow. we are still very close and in a sense it feels like a crime of contradiction to admit that out loud when i know i am still attached at the hip in many ways and need to grow up. i can't deny our love though nor can i deny our close relationship. it is what it is.

yesterday i did some deep root work in therapy. i opened up after hearing the word "emotionally avoidant" on a Christian radio talk show. i brought my thoughts and fears into therapy and freely allowed God to let me open up to help disect things, to help un-peel things. if addictions were compared to apples: we must un-peel the layers, eat aka work through the flesh to get to the seeds inside that started the development aka growth of the addiction. God and therapy for me are my apple peelers. God allows me to process in therapy and therapy allows me to process that in which i am emotionally avoidant to process by staying engaged and enthralled in addictive coping mechanisms.

you can always peel an apple, no matter how rotten inside you feel it is. some apples you must be a little more careful with. some are deeply bruised and need mindful monitoring. others may be firm and crisp but that doesn't mean a little un-peeling would not hurt for we all have parts of life and self that need un-peeling, some acceptance and removal. the apple doesn't peel itself, the person must put in the work to peel the apple. if you have ever peeled an apple you will know that it takes time and patience. clever she was to make the children do her dirty work for her, to make us learn respect and responsibility, to make us see that the best rewards come from dedicated work and not just for free... so she peeled and i worked and i ended up with many peels, more than i could count.

and i am still left with peels, different kind of peels and many of them, more than i can count. peels that need to be un-peeled by me, peels protecting the thick meaty flesh protecting precious inner seeds, an accumulation of small seeds that often feel bigger than they seem. now after 14 years of treatment for eating disorders - and i am talking everything from here to the moon in attempt at recovering - i realize that the real deal, the real un-peel can only be done through and with God. i have been in recovery with the world for 14 years but have not been in recovery with God that entire time. now, i have been giving over to God and getting actual results of progress in return. the desire to fully recover is increasing while the desire to remain locked in fear and addiction is decreasing. God is showing me better ways and affirming a full recovery ahead. i can now un-peel, i can now truly heal.

♥heart to heart♥ Today's question:

Who is and how are you peeling your apples?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Avocado Power Yo! For those of you that don't know, avocados are my favorite food. They are the complete, ready to eat, treat! They are calorically and nutritionally dense so 1 single avocado goes a long way in providing you with well needed nutrients. This makes them a perfect raw mono meal. What is a mono meal? A mono meal is a meal that consists of 1 whole food item, generally in bulk amounts to complete calorie and nutrient needs for that meal. Did you know that the body has to digest every single ingredient one at a time during the digestion and absorption of the food you consume? People often cause more harm to their bodies than help due to poorly combine food choices/meals, frequency of meals and overworking of the gastrointestinal tract. Mono meals are a great way to give your digestive tract a break from complicated food combinations. They will digest easier and have a faster transit rate than non-mono meals. If you have met your energy needs by providing the right amount of a single food in your meal than you will achieve satiety and be able to sustain until your next meal. You can learn this by learning the caloric intake of the individual foods you want for your mono meals and then properly adding enough of that food based on it's caloric intake. A common example might be bananas. Let's say 1 banana yields you 90 calories (we know the definition for calories = energy) aka energy. If you are looking for 500 easy to digest and sustainable energy then you would find a way to enjoy 6 bananas for a mono meal and rack yourself up to 540 calories to thrive off of! Another thing I love about mono meals is they allow you to appreciate the food and respect it as a whole, You also get to enjoy it's tastes without others getting in the way and hindering the pure delight of eat bite!

Three of my favorite & funnest ways to eat an avocado rawocado-mono style:
1. Carefully peel the skin and eat it how you would a stone fruit, being careful not to bite into the pit!
2. Cut in half, remove the pit and spoon out the flesh! Do some fruit meditation while you are at it ; )
3. Blend with quality filtered water in a food processor and enjoy a beautiful bowl of avocado-bisque soup!

10 Tips & Tidbits on Avocados:
1. These fruits are known as "alligator pears".
2. Avocados contain 5 grams of plant based protein per average size avocado (6 ounce size).
3. Avocados start to oxidize fast when cut into and exposed to air, always eat right away for optimal nutritional value. If you must store it then leave the pit in the part you did not eat. Store in an air tight container sized to fit your leftover avocado. Sprinkling antioxidant rich lemon on top will also help preserve it.
4.Avocados are a heart healthy source of dietary fat and have been shown to lower heart disease whereas other fats increase the risk and cause it. Avocados are a great fat substitute for those on meat and dairy diets and a palatable pleasure for those who enjoy the flavor of butter, nuts and creamy salty soft foods.
5. There are over 400 varieties of avocados.
6. Growing an avocado tree is a real art, it can take up to 10 years to produce an avocado abundance.
7. Become an Avocado King or Queen (or whatever pronoun in between!)...Your perfect avocado should be firm enough to hold and slightly soft enough to gently squeeze. It is easy to peel. The color of it's peel will depend on it's variety, most range from a blacken color to shades of bright or olive green (on some this indicates an unripe fruit, know how to select ripe avocados when picking them!) to dark purplish shades. The peel should not have sun spots or outer or inner mold. It should never be brown inside and it's peek color when ripe is a semi bright but soft shade of lemon lime. They should never smell or taste funky. You will know the avocado is bad if the taste is off. Once you know the true nutty, creamy, dreamy delicious taste of an avocado you will be hooked and never want to go back to a life without them : ) You will crave them and if eaten properly your body will thank you in return!
8. Always eat organic (you deserve it, so does the earth) but if you cant, avocados are one of the safest non organically grown foods to eat due to their thicker skin that acts as a protective peel.
9. The pit of an avocado is edible! They are rich sources of nutrients, especially copper, potassium and magnesium. A little bit goes a long ways, trust me. It has a very pungent and burnt earth flavor to it and must be ground down before consuming.In order to grind an avocado pit you must have a high speed blender, such as a Vitamix, or a high speed coffee or nut/seed grinder. Do not attempt to bit into the pit, always grind it first and use a small amount at a time. An easy way to use the pit is to toss 1/4 of the pit, or less, into a smoothie.
10. Avocados are one of the easiest dietary fat sources to digest. On average it takes 2-3 hours to digest an avocado.

What are you waiting for yo!? Get your avocado on!

Heart to Heart: Today's Assignment
Pick yourself nice ripe organic avocado and find a way to enjoy it as a rawocado-mono meal : D ENJOY!!!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Michael W. Smith

If his picture hasn't caught your eye then his voice surely will. This is Michael W. Smith and he is one of my new favorite music artists.

I have been praying to God to lead me to some CLEAN CHRISTIAN music. I have given up a lot of music for God from old time underground dirty rap to loud, boisterous, screaming angry feminist riot grrrl music. I recently came across Michael's music and was deeply moved. I have heard some of his songs before but did not know who he was until I found him on You Tube.

I am HOOKED. What a beautiful and talented man of God! His lyrics linger, sounds soothe the soul and you can feel his love and dedication to God as he sings from the heart.

I am on his website now: and you can also keyword search his name on You Tube for amazing song videos! I am so making a playlist of him right now : )

Glory to God for blessing us all with special talents to share with the world.

Heart to Heart: Your question...

What talents has God blessed you with? Whatever they may be, embrace them! Give God glory!

watch your step.

watch your step.

it was sunday evening, my general "sit down on the couch and surf the tube for a free movie over a later-in-the-night raw dinner and perhaps a nice crackling fire and some candles" relaxation night. lately i have been finding nothing but filth on tv and have not been able to watch movies how i use to. i have been giving many things over and up to God, movie topics being on. i have grown to learn that what we feed our minds with is what will manifest inside of them. toxic topics and energy are like poisonous parasites, feeding and breeding inside us. movies and movies are on my list of "top ten toxic topic trash"... they rank high as publicity and media are one of the easiest ways to reach people and hardest things to avoid unless one is taken away from common civilization. it's amazing how things change, think about what was considered civilization hundreds and thousands of years ago and compare it to today's technology, society, ways of living and eating, health problems - the list continues. we are living in a world of sin and unGodliness, a world God did not intend for us. we are being challenged daily through worldly temptations which while living in the flesh can't be avoided. the devil is everywhere and will use any kind of way to knock on our doors and sneak his way in if we don't answer. do not doubt for one single second that he won't find a crack to crawl through for every single doubt in God is a crack in the door for Satan to enter. this is what he needs to succeed, his mission is to destroy. he will come in the form of a wolf in a sheep's coat. be wise. pray over the power of spiritual discernment - that God will show you what is right and wrong, Holy and unholy and that you will follow. God can do this but are you willing to follow? that is the test my friends, your everyday struggle, your everyday question, your everyday reminder.

i am going to bring up an issue that i wasn't sure if i should bring up. however, my intention is not perversion but the act of reaching out to others who may be feeling this way as well or have in the past or might in the future. sex and masturbation. if your jaw is dropped in shock then please pick it up and have a seat. i have been abstinent from sex for about 2 years now. i have lost count as i have lost interest. my loss of interest was a result of a loss of health. however, now i feel like my loss of interest might also be because an increase in religion. let's disect this one.

loss of health = loss of libido
loss of libido = loss of sexual activity
loss of sexual activity = loss of sexual thoughts and behaviors

there are some things about me that many of you do not know. sexual identity, preference and freedom has always been a big part of me. sex is something i use to claim myself very liberal about. in my sexual days i've : been sexually abused and survived it, sexually adventurous, sexually ambiguous; played all ends of the field and enjoyed sex of all sorts, lived various sexual lifestyles, engaged in hardcore BDSM lifestyle, been a trained submissive, been a Sadomasochist & Dominant Top, made money as a sex worker - not always playing it safe but always coming out "clean" after testing - and risked my sanity and health in return, broken worldly laws about sex... and as i learn more about Christianity, God and the topic of sex - broken many laws of God about sex. i will be honest, as i was doing all this i did not stop to think about how God felt but was selfish to focus only on how i felt and loved every minute of it minus some of the sex work that was used to support addiction in the past. when i was given power and money used for non addictive purposes i felt high on life and didn't want to stop even though it was dangerous for me. if humans were given a check list of things that have consumed their lives, sex would be one of the top three for me. the first one would be addiction and last one would be gender/personal identity. sex would fall right smack in the center, the monkey in the middle - an untamed sex game. i have been evaluating my own sexual game board and the moves i make as i play through it (or not). i have remained abstinent and in the meantime made up for it with bits of masturbation feeling like that might keep me connected to my sexual identity, something we all have and can't deny, since i was no longer engaging in activity with others. that does not mean the thoughts aren't there... just because people aren't doing things doesn't mean they aren't thinking of them. actions and behaviors are a formation of thoughts. thoughts are the seeds to the development of growth.

the new year came and i decided to do an internal inventory of what i would like to give over to God and seek His guidance on. sex seems to have unconsciously been something laid at the Cross because lately unexpected or unasked for changes have been happening. as my body is getting more nutrients and my brain is balancing my libido is returning and the urge to engage in sexual pleasure comes and goes - from my head down to my toes; a mental and physical reaction, a humanly need and desire that is felt inside and out. therefore, i want to touch - touch that feeling and move with it but when i have gone to touch, physically speaking, i have been very untouched mentally and have lost desire before i even start. at first i was in shock, the loss of interest to look at pornography and fantasize had me baffled. then the other day i felt it too unholy to even open a porn picture and laid there to leave it up to my head instead. big blow out and not the kind you think... the kind where you lay there and can't even come up with a fantasy in your head because even the tiniest thought of sexual thoughts and behaviors seems unGodly and more shameful to you now rather than exciting, enticing and enjoying. so i laid there, shameful in silly putty, with no desire to even continue.

there are specific words i have been praying to God based on a song my Pastor sings in church. i have also found it in the Bible. i have been asking God to "create in me a clean heart" (and life) ...

+ Psalm 51:10-12 +

10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence,
and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me."

what is happening to me? is this called spiritual maturity? awareness? transformation? healing? and should i take pride in the grievance inside as i let go and let God? i do not mean self pride, i mean pride in God for working His Will in me and my life. i do not see myself as superhuman but a sinner with no status other than at the feet of God, if i am even worthy of that (if anyone is!) privilege. i like to ask people, "if Christ came to you in the flesh what would you do?" my answer, and many, has always been the same - "i would fall to the floor, bow down at His feet and ask for forgiveness... i would tell Him how much i love Him and thank Him for all that He is and all that He has done." it would be a pure act of humility, gratitude, dedication and love. so where do i stand?

i stand on the land with faith in my hand - faith in my heart for a clean start... for while i am living on the land in this earthly body i want to commit myself to Christ as much as i can. there is no room for the world and the Word. there is no purpose in a double life. there is no room for glory to God with walls built on exulted high and then walls torn straight back down by sin and Satan. there is no room for standing in the middle of a teeter totter with God on one end and the devil on the other. pick or choose or you will loose. i am praying and pleading that God continues to guide me to His end of the unbalanced structure i have been standing on and slipping on. i know in my heart that my everlasting equilibrium will come from Him and Him only.

this post was really deep. i would like to close it and absorb the thoughts i have allowed the freedom of flow like the Holy Spirit entering my mouth and giving breathe to circulate inside of me - the breath of life, a life much greater than what i have lived and have been living.


heart to heart
today's assignment: read the Bible passage below.

+ John 14:15-31 +

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit
15"If you love me, you will obey what I command. 16And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— 17the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will bec]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[in you. 18I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

22Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, "But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?"

23Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. 24He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

25"All this I have spoken while still with you. 26But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

28"You heard me say, 'I am going away and I am coming back to you.' If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. 29I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. 30I will not speak with you much longer, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold on me, 31but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.
"Come now; let us leave.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

real food = real good.

How charming! Looks like I'm not the only parsley fanatic!

Sundays are my OFF days. This means I am off my usual schedule. I get up bright and early, make my super smoothie and jet to the Farmer's Market to stock up on an abundance of locally grown, seasonal, fresh organic food. This is how I eat and boy do I eat good. I have been running errands all morning and am home now and feeling very happy inside my heart! The rain has come to visit me again and decided to be nice and wait until I got home to start it's sprinkling surprises! I am very proud of myself for my power smoothie this morning. I haven't been using coconut meat since I get so much dietary fat from my avocados but used coconut meat in place of my avocado for my smoothie this morning. I always use coconut water from a fresh cracked Thai young but have been giving Dante the meat with his meals. HE LOVES IT. Who doesn't? Coconut is going to be good to start using again for my weight gain and muscle building process. I mixed 1 Thai young coconut - water and meat - a heaping handful of parsley and some raw honey into the most delicious green smoothie shake ever! This kept me going ALL morning long due to it's high energy yielding macronutrient and healing micronutrient contents! It feels so good to truly nourish your body, feed your cells and brain and be able to optimally operate in return. Two of the greatest gifts I've ever given myself are 1. the gift of nutritional education and 2. the decision to go raw and stay raw six years ago. Eating fresh feels like pure bliss and you know you are doing your body good so that feels good. There is no room for misuse, abuse or complaining with real raw foods! I love that I can actually ENJOY my foods and the entire process of growing them at home or selecting them from the Farmer's Market... as well as the fun of preparing them and the humble act of harmony when eating them. It's like a powerful circulation of energy with every bite or sip and swallow. God has really blessed this earth well with vegetation. I am lucky to live in California where I have a rainbow variety at my fingertips!

+ Deuteronomy 32:1-4 +

1 Listen, O heavens, and I will speak;
hear, O earth, the words of my mouth.

2 Let my teaching fall like rain
and my words descend like dew,
like showers on new grass,
like abundant rain on tender plants.

3 I will proclaim the name of the LORD.
Oh, praise the greatness of our God!

4 He is the Rock, his works are perfect,
and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong,
upright and just is he.

Today I will: try to nap, eat more than I usually do due to time differences and my potential plans are: make a live fruit enzyme scrub or facial mask to pamper with ... possible movie on the couch with a nice crackling fire and my heating blanket specifically for the couch... a long good foot rub from the Good Old Faithful - KING KONG foot massager! Relax! Enjoy! Be HAPPY ; D

Heart to Heart:
Your assignment and affirmation of the day...

Treat yourself to a nice raw meal, it doesn't have to be complicated and anyone can do it! How about some fruit meditation? a nice salad? a bowl of live sprout and avocado soup? freshly made coconut milk? freshly made veggie juice? a handful of fresh medjool dates? bananas in pajamas!?

"I am worthy of nourishment."

Saturday, January 23, 2010

blue balls.

Fierce German Shepherd on the loose.
Protective pal that says if you want to
get to me you must get through him first
or he will bite you through the blue balls.

Some sick humor from my silly Shepherd!


Today I am bleeding, patiently pleading, longing & needing... the purification of Christ; a complete healing, forever feeling, layers unpeeling, direction yielding, mending & sealing through the Hands of God.

At the Feet of my Master I feel small, innocent, humble, helpless and I know that when I stand before Him I fall, I surrender. I bow as I bleed, patiently plead, long and need. I am lost without Him. I owe it all to Him. I know nothing without Him. He is my Teacher, I am His student. He is my Father, I am His son. In God's Will I am the son I was meant to become and He wants me to be free now, happy now, healthy now, to just BE now - His son, the one I was meant and made to become.

Covered in Christ's blood, living inside of me, together now we are bleeding and through Him I am succeeding because I am believing and receiving while grieving and achieving. Let me fall for you Lord, jump off this unknown mountain top, feel the wind beneath my wings and have faith that before I hit the ground I will land in your Hands. Let this be called a leap of faith, let this be called a leap of recovery when true healing happens not through medicine or man or the world but through God, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

The only death I wish to see is the death of the evil that binds me.


Friday, January 22, 2010

exotic fruit drink.

this + this

johnny juiced in this and then blended with this...

and poured into this = yummy deliciousness

a message for you.

Happy Friday everyone. Today I am feeling very blessed. I am gaining confidence in my recovery. I am excited to say that my hard work the last 2 weeks has paid off... I gained 2lbs in return! I generally alternate weight gain or loss by 1/2lb range so gaining 2lbs is really like my body gaining an interval of 4lbs! Glory to God for helping me restore health. This is one of my biggest challenges and goals right now. God is guiding me though. He has created new paths and patterns for me to follow, which I have been, and I am being rewarded in return. The more we give over to God the more we get in return. Today has been a day of giving back for me, it feels very nice to be able to give back to those who have done and are doing good to me. God blessed me with Matthew 7 this morning. This chapter is powerful and has a message for everyone. There are many messages in this passage that I needed to hear today and need to share today so I am going to post the entire chapter and know that if you were led to this post then there is a message in here specifically for you. Let me repeat, there is a message in here for YOU! Please take a moment to read with me and let God guide you to your special message. Accept it as a gift and let the Word of God ring true to your life - creating in you a clean heart, a clean life, a clean start.

Judging Others
1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

6"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

Ask, Seek, Knock
7"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.8For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

The Narrow and Wide Gates
13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
A Tree and Its Fruit
15"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.18A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'

The Wise and Foolish Builders
24"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

28When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, 29because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

in heat and happy.

in heat and happy. today the last part of my new bedding investment came... my heated mattress pad! some of these inventions are just brilliant. now i have heat beneath me and on top of me (i sleep with a heated electric blanket and a heated pad on my belly). i was so excited to set it up today. my bed is my favorite escape during mealtimes. i can center here and do much better here. i am doing so well right now, making a ton of progress, rebuilding health and enjoying my lovely raw foods that are healing me. it's been six years now since going raw and i have seen so many remarkable changes happen which is why it has been a crucial aspect of my recovery. i often wonder if others also feel God's love penetrating in the precious plants and trees that supply real food for us to thrive on. everything changes when you go raw, i don't know one true raw foodist that doesn't agree with that statement. there is an abundance of energy & clarity gained when taking in life force. how grateful we must be for the soul factor that these plants are surrounding their life to give us life. before i went raw i would of never even considered making a statement like that and probably would of giggled at it but now things are different. i have more appreciation for the earth than ever before. glory to God for providing in abundance. one of my greatest pleasures is organic gardening. i love being able to grow my own food with my own two hands and gather my raw rewards season by season. how wonderful it is to be able to step outside, barefoot, in the dirt and carefully pick my presents! dirty earth on my feed, under my nails, a snip here and a snip there and before you know it a meal at hand! yard snacking after the rain is the best ever. i love how fast things shoot up just after it's rained. it's almost like God sprinkling miracle grow in the form of holy Heavenly water. i give gratitude to God when He waters my garden for me! --- i am here now, finishing a divine bowl of nutrient and calorie dense raw soup, power packed with micronutrients my body will digest, absorb and thank me for. i am in bed, in heat and happy with all my electric bed inventions on high in my favorite green fitted t-shirt and green candy stripe boy briefs. times like this? priceless.

heart to heart:
question of the evening...

what are some of your most cherished moments?

flowering bok choy & broccoli sprouts.

Flowering Baby Bok Choy & Broccoli Sprouts

*During my last trip to the farmer's market I noticed that baby bok choy raab had come back in season. I have always fancied eating edible flowers and edible tidbits during growth stages of plants. Flowering plants are divine. They offer delicately sweet petals that smell of sweet pollinated centers of spring flowers. I treated myself to a big bag of flowering raab and couldn't wait to get creative with usage.
My raab is bright yellow and sure to bust the blues. I feel sunshine inside just looking at it. In the picture above I placed my meal in a planter box to represent growth. It's raining outside or I would of placed it in the grass (for looks - don't worry, I kept things clean and ate it inside!). My raab is surrounded by a bed of fresh broccoli sprouts and resting on top of blended avocado.
It's got a pungent, broccoli-bitter tastes with a delightfully soft crunch to it!

Here are some fun facts about Bok Choy & Broccoli:


Bok Choy & Chinese NutritionNature: cool, pungent and sweet

Actions: clears heat, lubricates the intestines, removes stagnant food, quenches thirst, promotes digestion

Conditions: food retention, constipation,

indigestion, diabetes


Bok choy, a member of the cabbage family, is rich in vitamin C, beta-carotene, folate, fiber and calcium. It also contains indoles, an anticancer phytochemical.


Broccoli & Chinese NutritionNature: cooling

Actions: clears heat, promotes diuresis, brightens eyes, aids summer heat problems.

Conditions: conjunctivitis, nearsightedness,
difficult urination.


Broccoli is loaded with nutrients. It is an excellent source of vitamin C and A, folate, potassium and fiber. Broccoli contains two anti-cancer compounds - sulforaphane and indoles.

This recipe is easy to make, delicious and nutritious!

I used 1 ripe organic Gwen avocado, 1 cup broccoli sprouts & 1 cup flowering baby bok choy (plus some oxygen water to blend) and blend them together in my small food processor until desired consistency was reached. I placed my "green goop" in a bowl and sprinkled broccoli sprouts & some more raab on top!

I could not find nutritional information on bok choy raab & broccoli sprouts so I can't tell you the exact "nutritional label" details and have decided to leave that out for this recipe. Flowering raab & sprouts are low in calories, fat free, contain small amounts of vegetable protein & fiber and great sources of enzymes. They possess the nutritional healing traits and properties of their mature plants. ALWAYS USE RAW!


"True friends are like diamonds
precious but rare, false friends are
like Autumn leaves that fall everywhere."

My Mother learned that poem as a kid.
When I was younger she use to recite it to
me. I can't remember the entire piece but
those lines always stuck with me.

Friends. What's in a friend? Who do you
consider a friend? What makes them a friend? I sat here questioning. It
is six am and I should be in bed but instead I am up fiddling around from
an insomnia attack. It got me thinking who my real friends are and what
really is a real friend to begin with?

I know that trust and love at the foundations to any relationship. They are
the ground we build our houses on. I also know that it takes two to tango so
equality in a friendship is something I find crucial. Then there is communication,
another important friendship factor which brings me to think about how many
friends I am no longer in contact with... how some people come and go in our lives
and touch us but leave us.... how friendships serve time and purpose but some do
not last forever - in flesh at least. I feel the genuine ones do last forever in heart.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven."

For every friend, no matter what the outcome, there is a reason. Let's
face it: people need people. It is in our human nature to desire the
connection of other humans. We need love, support, uplifting, praise,
positive influence... TOUCH. I don't even have to ask the classroom to
raise their hands in relation to that last one. They are already raised.

Human touch is a powerful thing. We all need it yet we don't all feel
comfortable with it, primarily due to bad past experiences and feelings
of unworthiness. Yet we long for it. We know we need it but even the
most gentle, most innocence of touch can make some curl up or claw
like a crab (isolation hide mode or defensive aggressive mode). Many
studies stress the importance of touch from parent to child during
development. I am talking clean affection, nothing abusive. Abuse can
and will throw everything off. If you are a survivor of abuse then you
know exactly what I am talking about. It's common for those who have
been abused to grow up feeling like "damaged goods" ... I have felt
that way plenty. We all have our pasts. We all have our futures.

Another thing I question is if it's easier to make friends as a child or
as an adult. I've found it easier to make friends as an adult because I've
come out of my shell overtime. I suffered severe social anxiety as a
child and was strongly attached and dependent to my Mother. The
umbilical cord did not get cut until my adulthood years. It still isn't
fully cut either. My Mom has always been my main source of friendship.
I don't feel I have many true friends, many diamonds, outside of Mom.
This needs to change. It's hard though, when going through what I am
going through, to let people in. I'd rather not subject them to the
reality of the issues I deal with. I don't find it fair. It also takes a ton
of energy to establish new connections, energy I currently don't have. I
am one to enjoy my space but I do get lonely even when I socialize.
I miss one on one deep rooted relationships. I miss going out and
having fun, being carefree and laughing till my belly bruises! Don't get
me wrong, I do have friends but to carry the energy flow really depends
on how much we are willing to put out to keep that energy flowing.

Right now I am in solitude space, spending more energy on me and less
energy on others. I am directing my focus to forming a firm relationship
with God, an intimate - untouchable - indescribable - connection with
my Heavenly Father. God is truly the only one I feel He will never
(never ever ever!) desert me. He is there to stay. Kaput! I am being
spiritually led and renewed in many mighty ways and He is touching me,
in spiritual/emotional/psychological form but the abstinence of human
touch is like a burning bonfire inside of me. I am cold, I want to get warm.
I want a hug or even just a handshake. I want someone to tickle my
back or play with my hair how I did for my sister when we were growing
up. I want someone to use their fingers to draw shapes on my skin
while I close my eyes and guess. I want to laugh at the fact that even if
I know what it is I pretend I don't just to get them to do it again because
it feels so good (smirk). I want to be cuddled and cradled in nonsexual
ways. My body longs, desires, needs after drought, dry deprivation,
brittle bones, thirsty flesh. I long. I desire. I need.

Ezekiel 37:4-6 (One of my favorite passages in the Bible)

4 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! 5 This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD."

It's hard to say that out loud. Lately I am learning to accept touch and feel like I deserve it. My therapist has offered to rub my head/temples the last few sessions that I have had pounding headaches. I told her that applying pressure to specific points helps relieve the pain, almost instantly at times. She has offered. I have accepted. Last time she offered, I jumped to say "Yes, thank you!" rather then to sit and toy with the idea as if I were winding it up like jack in the box and waiting to see if it pops or not. However, last time there was no winding needed. I popped.

I would like to close this post with a few affirmations you and I
can give ourselves as well as an assignment question. Take your
pick or collect them all ; )

- I am deserving & worthy
- I will open myself to receiving loving touch
- I am loved
- I am a child of God, He will never forsake me
- For every turning of season there is a reason

Heart to Heart:
Today's Question & Assignment...
What can you do to show your special friends that
you care? Go out of your way today to put some
extra effort into expressing your love & gratitude to
those who you feel are the DIAMONDS in your life.