Saturday, February 20, 2010

world on fire.

ever feel like your world is on fire? tonight i am feeling burnt out. a series of messages and incidents today have really caused me to stop and think about how unpredictable and unbelievable emotions, reactions and people can be. then comes the trust factor, who can i really trust? then comes the respect factor, who genuinely respects my emotional needs and boundaries? then comes the acceptance factor, who truly accepts me for who i am?

God does, but man? i am not out to please the world. i am out to please God though. frankly it is no one business how we live our lives nor is it anyone's place or right to tell us how to live. it's beyond our control yet many still push and with me what this does is push me away. i understand that when you gather-the-guts to put yourself out there, especially when done public, then you are basically opening a can of worms for mixed reactions. i can only take so much though. i am not a human punching bag and beginning to feel like one after a series of responses lately that were unwelcome and unexpected - considering i have clearly set boundaries for emotional needs. people still push and it's ridiculous to even think i would have to defend myself no matter what their intentions are. now i feel burnt and the need to step back from the net and pray for the peace, respect and space i know i deserve.

i write because it helps. i write because for entries like this i know i can reach people and hopefully help them to slow down before saying what they feel so obligated to say even if it crosses my emotional needs and boundaries right now. sometimes i write entries and keep them private so no one else can see but me. sometimes they go public.

we all must learn on our own, leave situations in God's hands and not man's. the best thing anyone could do for me right now, especially close friends, is respect my emotional needs and keep me close in heart and prayers. i do not need anyone telling me how to live my life nor will it make a difference in how i live it. if i want someone's opinion or advice on who or how i am then i will ask, otherwise give it over to God, not me - it's not welcome.

i hope this will reach people, a few close in mind and then others in general, to prevent anymore messages that cause upset on my end. i just don't have it in me. i give up.

i pray for understanding hearts.

Matthew 7:3-4
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

may we all, including myself, keep our eyes on our own plate and stop trying to fill up others - no matter what the intention is, it's not our place to do so and can feel very hurtful, disrespectful, offensive, condescending and invasive to the party on the other end.