Monday, January 25, 2010

watch your step.

watch your step.

it was sunday evening, my general "sit down on the couch and surf the tube for a free movie over a later-in-the-night raw dinner and perhaps a nice crackling fire and some candles" relaxation night. lately i have been finding nothing but filth on tv and have not been able to watch movies how i use to. i have been giving many things over and up to God, movie topics being on. i have grown to learn that what we feed our minds with is what will manifest inside of them. toxic topics and energy are like poisonous parasites, feeding and breeding inside us. movies and movies are on my list of "top ten toxic topic trash"... they rank high as publicity and media are one of the easiest ways to reach people and hardest things to avoid unless one is taken away from common civilization. it's amazing how things change, think about what was considered civilization hundreds and thousands of years ago and compare it to today's technology, society, ways of living and eating, health problems - the list continues. we are living in a world of sin and unGodliness, a world God did not intend for us. we are being challenged daily through worldly temptations which while living in the flesh can't be avoided. the devil is everywhere and will use any kind of way to knock on our doors and sneak his way in if we don't answer. do not doubt for one single second that he won't find a crack to crawl through for every single doubt in God is a crack in the door for Satan to enter. this is what he needs to succeed, his mission is to destroy. he will come in the form of a wolf in a sheep's coat. be wise. pray over the power of spiritual discernment - that God will show you what is right and wrong, Holy and unholy and that you will follow. God can do this but are you willing to follow? that is the test my friends, your everyday struggle, your everyday question, your everyday reminder.

i am going to bring up an issue that i wasn't sure if i should bring up. however, my intention is not perversion but the act of reaching out to others who may be feeling this way as well or have in the past or might in the future. sex and masturbation. if your jaw is dropped in shock then please pick it up and have a seat. i have been abstinent from sex for about 2 years now. i have lost count as i have lost interest. my loss of interest was a result of a loss of health. however, now i feel like my loss of interest might also be because an increase in religion. let's disect this one.

loss of health = loss of libido
loss of libido = loss of sexual activity
loss of sexual activity = loss of sexual thoughts and behaviors

there are some things about me that many of you do not know. sexual identity, preference and freedom has always been a big part of me. sex is something i use to claim myself very liberal about. in my sexual days i've : been sexually abused and survived it, sexually adventurous, sexually ambiguous; played all ends of the field and enjoyed sex of all sorts, lived various sexual lifestyles, engaged in hardcore BDSM lifestyle, been a trained submissive, been a Sadomasochist & Dominant Top, made money as a sex worker - not always playing it safe but always coming out "clean" after testing - and risked my sanity and health in return, broken worldly laws about sex... and as i learn more about Christianity, God and the topic of sex - broken many laws of God about sex. i will be honest, as i was doing all this i did not stop to think about how God felt but was selfish to focus only on how i felt and loved every minute of it minus some of the sex work that was used to support addiction in the past. when i was given power and money used for non addictive purposes i felt high on life and didn't want to stop even though it was dangerous for me. if humans were given a check list of things that have consumed their lives, sex would be one of the top three for me. the first one would be addiction and last one would be gender/personal identity. sex would fall right smack in the center, the monkey in the middle - an untamed sex game. i have been evaluating my own sexual game board and the moves i make as i play through it (or not). i have remained abstinent and in the meantime made up for it with bits of masturbation feeling like that might keep me connected to my sexual identity, something we all have and can't deny, since i was no longer engaging in activity with others. that does not mean the thoughts aren't there... just because people aren't doing things doesn't mean they aren't thinking of them. actions and behaviors are a formation of thoughts. thoughts are the seeds to the development of growth.

the new year came and i decided to do an internal inventory of what i would like to give over to God and seek His guidance on. sex seems to have unconsciously been something laid at the Cross because lately unexpected or unasked for changes have been happening. as my body is getting more nutrients and my brain is balancing my libido is returning and the urge to engage in sexual pleasure comes and goes - from my head down to my toes; a mental and physical reaction, a humanly need and desire that is felt inside and out. therefore, i want to touch - touch that feeling and move with it but when i have gone to touch, physically speaking, i have been very untouched mentally and have lost desire before i even start. at first i was in shock, the loss of interest to look at pornography and fantasize had me baffled. then the other day i felt it too unholy to even open a porn picture and laid there to leave it up to my head instead. big blow out and not the kind you think... the kind where you lay there and can't even come up with a fantasy in your head because even the tiniest thought of sexual thoughts and behaviors seems unGodly and more shameful to you now rather than exciting, enticing and enjoying. so i laid there, shameful in silly putty, with no desire to even continue.

there are specific words i have been praying to God based on a song my Pastor sings in church. i have also found it in the Bible. i have been asking God to "create in me a clean heart" (and life) ...

+ Psalm 51:10-12 +

10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God.
Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence,
and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me."

what is happening to me? is this called spiritual maturity? awareness? transformation? healing? and should i take pride in the grievance inside as i let go and let God? i do not mean self pride, i mean pride in God for working His Will in me and my life. i do not see myself as superhuman but a sinner with no status other than at the feet of God, if i am even worthy of that (if anyone is!) privilege. i like to ask people, "if Christ came to you in the flesh what would you do?" my answer, and many, has always been the same - "i would fall to the floor, bow down at His feet and ask for forgiveness... i would tell Him how much i love Him and thank Him for all that He is and all that He has done." it would be a pure act of humility, gratitude, dedication and love. so where do i stand?

i stand on the land with faith in my hand - faith in my heart for a clean start... for while i am living on the land in this earthly body i want to commit myself to Christ as much as i can. there is no room for the world and the Word. there is no purpose in a double life. there is no room for glory to God with walls built on exulted high and then walls torn straight back down by sin and Satan. there is no room for standing in the middle of a teeter totter with God on one end and the devil on the other. pick or choose or you will loose. i am praying and pleading that God continues to guide me to His end of the unbalanced structure i have been standing on and slipping on. i know in my heart that my everlasting equilibrium will come from Him and Him only.

this post was really deep. i would like to close it and absorb the thoughts i have allowed the freedom of flow like the Holy Spirit entering my mouth and giving breathe to circulate inside of me - the breath of life, a life much greater than what i have lived and have been living.


heart to heart
today's assignment: read the Bible passage below.

+ John 14:15-31 +

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit
15"If you love me, you will obey what I command. 16And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— 17the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will bec]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[in you. 18I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

22Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, "But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?"

23Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. 24He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

25"All this I have spoken while still with you. 26But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

28"You heard me say, 'I am going away and I am coming back to you.' If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. 29I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. 30I will not speak with you much longer, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold on me, 31but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.
"Come now; let us leave.