Thursday, January 21, 2010


"True friends are like diamonds
precious but rare, false friends are
like Autumn leaves that fall everywhere."

My Mother learned that poem as a kid.
When I was younger she use to recite it to
me. I can't remember the entire piece but
those lines always stuck with me.

Friends. What's in a friend? Who do you
consider a friend? What makes them a friend? I sat here questioning. It
is six am and I should be in bed but instead I am up fiddling around from
an insomnia attack. It got me thinking who my real friends are and what
really is a real friend to begin with?

I know that trust and love at the foundations to any relationship. They are
the ground we build our houses on. I also know that it takes two to tango so
equality in a friendship is something I find crucial. Then there is communication,
another important friendship factor which brings me to think about how many
friends I am no longer in contact with... how some people come and go in our lives
and touch us but leave us.... how friendships serve time and purpose but some do
not last forever - in flesh at least. I feel the genuine ones do last forever in heart.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven."

For every friend, no matter what the outcome, there is a reason. Let's
face it: people need people. It is in our human nature to desire the
connection of other humans. We need love, support, uplifting, praise,
positive influence... TOUCH. I don't even have to ask the classroom to
raise their hands in relation to that last one. They are already raised.

Human touch is a powerful thing. We all need it yet we don't all feel
comfortable with it, primarily due to bad past experiences and feelings
of unworthiness. Yet we long for it. We know we need it but even the
most gentle, most innocence of touch can make some curl up or claw
like a crab (isolation hide mode or defensive aggressive mode). Many
studies stress the importance of touch from parent to child during
development. I am talking clean affection, nothing abusive. Abuse can
and will throw everything off. If you are a survivor of abuse then you
know exactly what I am talking about. It's common for those who have
been abused to grow up feeling like "damaged goods" ... I have felt
that way plenty. We all have our pasts. We all have our futures.

Another thing I question is if it's easier to make friends as a child or
as an adult. I've found it easier to make friends as an adult because I've
come out of my shell overtime. I suffered severe social anxiety as a
child and was strongly attached and dependent to my Mother. The
umbilical cord did not get cut until my adulthood years. It still isn't
fully cut either. My Mom has always been my main source of friendship.
I don't feel I have many true friends, many diamonds, outside of Mom.
This needs to change. It's hard though, when going through what I am
going through, to let people in. I'd rather not subject them to the
reality of the issues I deal with. I don't find it fair. It also takes a ton
of energy to establish new connections, energy I currently don't have. I
am one to enjoy my space but I do get lonely even when I socialize.
I miss one on one deep rooted relationships. I miss going out and
having fun, being carefree and laughing till my belly bruises! Don't get
me wrong, I do have friends but to carry the energy flow really depends
on how much we are willing to put out to keep that energy flowing.

Right now I am in solitude space, spending more energy on me and less
energy on others. I am directing my focus to forming a firm relationship
with God, an intimate - untouchable - indescribable - connection with
my Heavenly Father. God is truly the only one I feel He will never
(never ever ever!) desert me. He is there to stay. Kaput! I am being
spiritually led and renewed in many mighty ways and He is touching me,
in spiritual/emotional/psychological form but the abstinence of human
touch is like a burning bonfire inside of me. I am cold, I want to get warm.
I want a hug or even just a handshake. I want someone to tickle my
back or play with my hair how I did for my sister when we were growing
up. I want someone to use their fingers to draw shapes on my skin
while I close my eyes and guess. I want to laugh at the fact that even if
I know what it is I pretend I don't just to get them to do it again because
it feels so good (smirk). I want to be cuddled and cradled in nonsexual
ways. My body longs, desires, needs after drought, dry deprivation,
brittle bones, thirsty flesh. I long. I desire. I need.

Ezekiel 37:4-6 (One of my favorite passages in the Bible)

4 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! 5 This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD."

It's hard to say that out loud. Lately I am learning to accept touch and feel like I deserve it. My therapist has offered to rub my head/temples the last few sessions that I have had pounding headaches. I told her that applying pressure to specific points helps relieve the pain, almost instantly at times. She has offered. I have accepted. Last time she offered, I jumped to say "Yes, thank you!" rather then to sit and toy with the idea as if I were winding it up like jack in the box and waiting to see if it pops or not. However, last time there was no winding needed. I popped.

I would like to close this post with a few affirmations you and I
can give ourselves as well as an assignment question. Take your
pick or collect them all ; )

- I am deserving & worthy
- I will open myself to receiving loving touch
- I am loved
- I am a child of God, He will never forsake me
- For every turning of season there is a reason

Heart to Heart:
Today's Question & Assignment...
What can you do to show your special friends that
you care? Go out of your way today to put some
extra effort into expressing your love & gratitude to
those who you feel are the DIAMONDS in your life.